needing some perspective

today started out great. but by 1630 (or 4:30pm) i was over it. in fact, i was pissed off and in tears. essentially, my preceptor told me that my work wasn't professional and that i was not properly advocating for my patients because i wasn't assertive enough. 

thoroughly crush, i walked quickly to my car, called a nurse-friend, and balled. i know i am not aggressive, but does that mean i'm not assertive? 

aggressive: 

characterized by or tending toward unprovoked offensives, attacks, invasions, or the like; 

militantly forward or menacing

assertive:

confidently aggressive or self-assured; positive

 

 

so occording to dictionary.com, aggressive and assertive are too different things. and i don't think i'm either of them. i am not aggressive. i never want to be. it is not Christ like.

 

 

but i think i can be assertive and still display Christ. it says, "positive," and "confidently aggressive." but i know this is what i truly lack in my nursing-confidence. but i'm okay with that. i've only been on this unit seven days and performing patient care for three of those days. i had two patients on the step-down unit and i had to perform tasks and advocate for patients in ways i haven't had to yet. so no, i'm going to be confident. 

 

but dearest preceptor, would you give me a chance? could you let me prove to you that you don't have to be....well, uh, a bitch.....to advocate well for your patient?  

 

 

sigh. 

christmas joy

there are a few things i love about christmas.

well, actually just one.

it's a day to celebrate Jesus Christ. now, i know i can celebrate Him everyday, (and i hope i do, at least to some extent), but i love a day that is set apart, (holy, if you will), in which we collectively come together to remember the birth of the God-Man, the only Savior of the world.

i know, Jesus was mostly likely born in august or a summer month; he wasn't born in a stable; His birth was neither sterile nor romantic; there were no pine trees or scented candles. but this day we call christmas, is a day to celebrate and honor the expected Messiah, the Savior. it is a day to celebrate God's matchless grace and perfect love poured out onto His creation.

so with eager expectation to celebrate Him and to remember the love, justice, and grace of God, i embrace the month of december. yes, there will be moments where i am frustrated with the materialism and there will be times when i'll get heated about the lack of focus on Christ; forgive me ahead of time, please. but the reality is, i can't wait to worship and reflect with the body of Christ on our Cornerstone!

christmas vomit

this is what i've decided to coin as the term for this commercialized madness called "the holiday season." so many people say how much they LOVE christmas, but what is it that they really love? the lights? the over-indulgence in the same meal you over-ate last year? the need to out-gift your sibbling? i don't get it.

so here's my list of the top 5 things 

i hate about "the holiday season":

5.) the food. i know, it's a shocker that this is something i don't like about this time of year. but i just don't. what's so great about turkey? and why must it always be served with mashed potatoes and gravy? i really don't think that's what the pilgrams ate. or joseph and mary, for that matter.

4.) christmas music.

why do stores and radio stations feel compelled to play christmas music from thanksgiving to new year's? i truly think this is why suicide rates are higher during the holidays; people go crazy with all of the horrible christmas music! yes, music that actually reflects what christmas is about, is truly wonderful, but it is rarely heard.

3.) the decorations.

i mean, why? where did this tradition start? what is the significance of hanging strands of mini-lights from your house and putting ghastly, (and often scary), snow creatures on your lawn? oh, oh! and let's cut down trees each year so that we can have temporal enjoyment. i just don't seem to be able to understand how multiple fire hazards and a high electric bill are beneficial.

2.) christmas-themed...

...well, anything that has a christmas "theme." why do i need to have scrubs with christmas trees on them? or why do i feel pressured to have my "everyday" travel mug and then my christmas travel mug? these things collect dust all year except for the 1.5 months i break 'em out. functionality has lost it's essence in our society; it is about looking good, matching, and "celebrating the season."

1.) the shopping.

it seems so strange to me that we would spend so much money trying to earn favor with others. i know, i try to earn favor in other ways (and this way, too), but one day out of the year? so much money is spent on things that are never used or never worn. and why is it that we buy such expensive things this time of the year? is february not a sufficient month to buy a tv? the act of shopping from november to december is stressful in and of itself. lines are long, parking lots are a madhouse, and the only thing i've been able to find are christmas-themed gifts. (oh yea, that's useful in real life). truly, this is my least favorite aspect of "the holiday season" because of it's ultimately rooted in materialism. this is something i battle without assistance from a full, frontal-attack during a time that i want to be celebrating Jesus the Christ.

yes, this was a rant. but isn't it true? at least some of it? i'm not trying to get all linus on y'all, but i after the past few days i needed to share this. and please believe, i don't hate everything about christmas. i will blog on things i really enjoy and cherish soon. but, until next time...

listening to....country!??!

those of you who know me know that i really dislike country. and i think that's one of the reasons i didn't like this band when i first heard them. a little too much twang for me.

but in all honesty, their lyrics rock my world. i'm even going to one of their concerts in december (i hope). here's one song that's been rocking me world:

(needtobreathe, valley of tomorrow)

I am a troubled mind, I am a calloused heart
A failing engine from driving way too hard
Trying way too hard
I pulled a 38 out of my bleeding heart
I killed my selfishness for bringing me this far
This far away from you

When the daylight breaks through the buildings of Chicago
I will stand alone in the valley of tomorrow

Oh, this is the way I wanna go down
(This is the last time) I'm starting over with you
This is the way I wanna go out

I never second-guesssed the little voice I heard
It's just a whisper, that sounded like a scream
I aint never felt so free

When the daylight breaks through the buildings of Chicago
I will stand alone in the valley of tomorrow

Oh, this is the way I wanna go down
(This is the last time) I'm starting over with you
This is the way I wanna go out
(This is the last time) I'm starting over with you

I never second-guesssed the little voice I heard
It's just a whisper 

 can i please kill my selfishness? can i please learn to love like i was a child? can i please learn to live in light of the miraculous event on calvary? can i please learn to gaze upon the Christ will constant wonder and worship? can i please have the discipline to live in the light of Jesus and not my circumstances?

movies

I really like movies. I can quote or reference a movie fvor almost any circumstance (kinda like tony denozo from NCIS). Anyway, since i've started working full time, i havent had the energy or desire to watch movies, (i know, kinda scary).

So, for the first time in months, i spent this weekend watching movies. 4 to be exact.

Movie#1: harry potter 7.1. Um, dude. Legit.

Movie #2: while you were sleeping. Classic. Sandra and bill at their best.

Movie #3: robin hood. The one with russell crowe? People kinda hated on it, but it was good! Loved the female character! Way to stay strong, Marian!

Movie#4: a christmas carol. The new disney animated one. I have nothing to say just yet cause i havent finished it.


I admit movie watching in this extreme isnt good. this weekend alone i spent about 8 intential hrs on something not eternal.

And that needs to change.

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verbal communcation

i'm horrible at it.

let's be honest, most of my conversations involve clarifying questions from the reciprocating party. i've taken at least 2 communication classes, but for some reason, i cannot master the art of proper verbal communication. i rarely seem to be able to say what i'm really trying to communicate. i kinda feel like meg ryan in you've got mail when she can't find the words to tell off tom hanks. (were you thinking that too, kimber?)

so i've decided that i perfer written communication. i'd make a good expressive aphasic. i'd rather read a book than watch tv. i'd rather write a letter or email than talk on the phone. i mean, if you call me, i'll enjoy it; i just won't be able to fully communicate what i want to say. 

yea, i'm strange. i admit it.

job update

so most of you know, but i think it's best to tie up this loose end.

on wednesday, i found out that i will be moving to tcu/tele on monday, (yep, in 2 days). the tele unit is for heart monitoring and is more acute than the typical med-surg unit because all the patients are on heart monitors. tcu is an icu step-down unit, so we get people after they've had open heart surgeries, unstable angina, etc. basically, it's WAY more acute than the kind of nursing i've been doing the past few months.

i have a lot of mixed feelings. i am freakin' excited! i mean, i was hoping to transfer here eventually anyway. the Lord is gracious and decided to put me there now. and that's the part that makes me nervous. i haven't had to interpret heart rhythms or give iv meds or give high-risk medications in almost a year. i honestly don't remember much. but i have prayed often in the past few months that the Lord wouldn't allow me to be comfortable, and He has been faithful to answer that prayer. 

so i enter the next few months with thankfulness and humility, learning once again what it is to rely on the Lord's strength.

goodbyes

Not really a fan. I mean, you only say goodbyes to people who have formed some sort of a relationship with, so they are all painful, just to different degrees.

Today, i say goodbye to the staff that i have gotten so close to. I say goodbye to the patients i had finally begun to learn about. I say goodbye to familiarity and move back to discomfort, which im pretty sure is a place God wants me to be more, and a place i pray to be.

So while i am sad to leave my family at the CLC, i am excited that God has worked this out so wonderfully. He provided me a job in an encouraging learning environment, yet He knew i needed more skills, so at the right moment, He is providing the oportunity for more skills....and discomfort in which i must trust Him. Glory be to the Father!!

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new plans

welp.

yea.

today i found out that i won't be staying on the same unit that i've been training on for the last three months. wednesday will be my last day with my preceptor, my fellow lisenced and unlicensed staff, and my patients. i was in shock when i found out. i felt almost betrayed. but i know it was not because they didn't like me (or the other new grads, for that matter); it was a mere budgetary issues. 

so what does this mean? 

i'm not entirely sure. i do know that i won't be hit on multiple times a day, (there goes my self-esteem!), or give out more laxatives than blood pressure medication. and it seems like i will still have a full time job. the issue is simply where. the choices as far as i know: med/surg (with an ortho focus) or tcu/telemetry. the latter is the unit i hoped to transfer to at the end of my year at the clc. the opportunity would be amazing! 

the truth is, though, i'm scared. my assessment skills feel like they've declined. i haven't inserted an iv successfully in almost 2 months. i haven't hung iv meds in even longer.

the beauty of this situation:

i have no control.

in any of it.

God has been changing my plans and restructuring my thinking over the past 6-7months in ways i never imagined. it seems like every time i made these great plans, the Lord would surprise me with different ones. in all honesty, i've been frustrated and angry because of it all too often. but in this instance, i see that the Lord's plans are far better than mine! He knew how good this training position would be for me and how i need to move on now. i pray that i may recall His goodness in this situation and remember His goodness amongst other "foiled" plans. 

so, on monday, 11/22, i will experience the strength of the Lord in my weakness, once again. and, in the eight days that proceed it, His power will be made perfect in my complete weakness. in my tiredness, frustration, and feebleness, i declare glory to Him who alone is worthy!

deleted.

i had a friend write a blog once in which she basically said, "i typed a bunch of stuff and then deleted it. i feel better now."

i just did the same thing.

i don't think i feel much better.

veteran's day

yep, that's today. and, as i tweeted earlier, it's my day everyday. even on days off, my dad is a vet and things seem to revolve around that more than i thought.

so i work at a veteran's hospital. i'm learning a lot about what's important to vets and their beliefs. but everyday, i end up more confused and have tons more to learn! but through my short three months working with these guys, (and occasional gal), i've wrestled with what i believe as a follower of Christ and as an american.

i am a firm believer that i am an american Christian. my loyalty to Christ alone; my home and hope are found in Him alone. so where does this leave me when i am to celebrate those who have risked their lives for what america stands for? 

i don't dislike those people or hold a grudge against them in any way. in all honesty, my heart breaks for most of the men i work with. their hope is in government, politics, the connections to the military, but that will all end. government and military are not eternal. Christ alone is eternal. 

this isn't all i wanted to say, but i'm not sure how to put the rest into words. please forgive this blog if it is incoherent or confusing. welcome to my brain.

waiting

my dear friend sent this too me a few weeks ago. it was here "theme" song for almost 2 years. it's my turn to adopt it. 

p.s.-the video isn't great, but enjoy the words.

the desert

i know, this blog title isn't new. i used to think riverside was my desert, that life was dry and i longed to be able to serve Jesus in a more real way. "if only i could be in the work place," i would plea.

i had no idea how good i had it!

i was constantly surrounded by friends, like-minded believers, and wiser people than me that pushed me to look at the world and Jesus differently.

now, i see my friends a couple of times a week, i spend 1.5hrs a day in a car, and am surrounded by no one at work who is like-minded.

this is a desert.

and it seems that i have another 40 years to go.

don't misunderstand me. i love the serious, ridiculous, and edifying times with my church family. i love being able to worship while driving in a beautiful part of california. i love being challenged to live sacrificially in my workplace and be Jesus to people.

but this is an interim time. 

i long to be overseas, (my earthly promise land, if you will). learning language, eating food that makes me pee out my butt, using squatty potties, relying on the Spirit in ways that i can't even imagine, having spiritual conversations without awkwardness......the list goes on.

but i'm not there yet. 

it feels like i'm waiting just outside, eager to enter the land of promise.

God's timing is perfect. i know that. God never fails; i know that, too. but to live that out in mundane of life is butt-hard! 

here i wait.

here i listen to the Spirit.

here i learn.

here i worship.

nurses are...

after being surrounded by nurses most of my life, but in a more concentrated setting the last three months, i think it's time to share some of my observations

 

• nurses have are obsessive compulsive. we have to have things our way, but no two nurses do things the same way. famous line for nurses, "well, that's not how I do it." yea, i know. 
• nurses are also borderline. how you might ask? well, have you been in a nurse's break room? everyone is all smiles when the manager or charge nurse is in there, but as soon as they leave, the griping begins. lovely.
• so many nurses are single or divorced. what's the deal with that?  
• nurses must be a.d.d. not only are there routine, daily tasks, but a nurse must conquer the random, out of the blue happenings that occur everyday. between falls, admissions and discharges, new orders, patients leaving for hours when they are supposed to be getting a dressing change, and the occasional argument with the physician, life as a nurse really is a box of chocolates.
• people share major life events with nurses. birth, birthdays, terminal diagnoses, death. this is an honor that nurses, including myself, all too often forget.
• nurses can be real, well, um, bitches. i mean, have you seen two nurses from different units get together? it's like the sharks and jets reunion or something.
• nurses function in the conflict styles of accommodator/confronter. we accommodate our patients to the best of our ability, but get in our way or mess with our patients, we will get all hyphie on ya.
• nurses deal with incredible emotional stress. one minute, you see a patient getting better and getting ready to be discharged. on your next shift, you find out that they've been admitted to the i.c.u. with a g.i. bleed and it's only "a matter of time" before they pass. (no wonder so many in my profession are alcoholics)
• a majority of the nurses i've encounter call themselves christians. their actions all too often don't reflect it.

i know these observations aren't true of all nurses, but it's what i've seen in myself and others.  the last one is the scariest to me. i hope that people see Christ in my life, and that i will be able to share Him with my fellow odd-ball professionals.

rainy season

i'm not used to the rain anymore. after living in riverside, aka a desert, for 5 years, i'm unaccustomed to cold weather, especially rain.

i really do love the rain, but i don't find myself being able to truly enjoy it since i've started working. 

today, i took the opportunity to enjoy it. no, i didn't sit or run around in the rain all afternoon, (although i might still do that...). rather, i got snuggled up in sweats, a hoodie, and blankets, lit some candles, and drank some vanilla ruiboos tea. to top it off, i spent some good time with my Father. i really can't think of a better day to spend a rainy sabbath. thank You, Jesus, for allowing that to happen!

follower of Jesus

this is how i try to identify myself when someone asks me what i believe. i get a lot of eyebrow raises and confused faces, especially in san fran, but it's good.

about a year ago, i got it in my head that i needed to memorize the sermon on the mount. i mean, it's a concentrated group of teachings of the One i claim to follow. it seems logical that i should know what He teaches if i am going to follow Him. (disclaimer: i by no means think anyone needs to memorize this portion of scripture to gain salvation or a better standing with God. it was just something it seemed that the Spirit was pressing on my heart). 

so, about a week ago, (guilty face and clearing of my throat), i actually started memorizing these chapters. well, i'm only through verse 12(ish) of chapter 5, but God is already using it!

i was working on memorizing it at work and had at least 3 spiritual conversations! Praise HIM! when i get discouraged or when it seems like my co-workers keep me out of conversations because they know i follow Him, i am comforted of the eternality of Christ.

the verse that has been on my heart and mind the most is matthew 5:6-Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

 

 

satisfied:  content; paid or discharged in full, as a debt or obligation.

 

 

i don't search a prideful, self-centered righteousness. i can do that any day. but i long to thirst and hunger for righteousness that comes from God (philippians 3:9), for only in the righteousness of Christ will i be satisfied; He paid my debt, He alone makes me clean, He alone can satisfy (or make content) my all-too-often parched soul.

i challenge you to memorize scripture. you are "forced" to repeat and dwell on holy words that alone satisfy.

the radical experiment-part 2

so basically, i've sucked at this.

1. pray for the entire world

i've sucked at praying for the nations daily.

2. read through the entire scripture

 

i've been reading through the Bible chronologically.

 

 

 

 

3. sacrfice your money for a specific purpose

 

sacrifice? can you define that please?

 

4. spend your time in another context

 

i've been making plans to go overseas in august/september.

 

5. commit your life to multiplying community

 

i go to chipotle sunday and Bible study. can i multiple those that eat chipotle? 

so this hasn't been going so well. i never realized how much intentionality it would take to stay committed to these things. but i hope that i will have a partner in this experiment (and that we can consistently get together to do these things) and that we will be able to provide accountability.

post-october thoughts

i wrote this blog before the month of october started. now time for the post-test.

i spent 4/5 weekends of this month out of town. i was gonna call it "three weddings and a funeral," but it's too soon. instead, "three weddings and a work day" will have to remain as the title. 

• i successfully attend three of my good friends' weddings. the first, in bakersfield. i got to use my federal employement for a sick discount at a hotel, got to catch up with some great nursing friends, and spend some much needed time with Jesus during my 8 hours in the car. 
• the next weekend, i headed to riverside and was in one of my best friend's wedding. it was a honor to stand with this woman as she committed to serve and honor one of my dear brothers! that weekend was a bit of a fiasco between rental cars, hotel reservations, trying to hang out with other friends, and my mind in ten other places. but the Lord showed His strength and faithfulness every step of the way!
• the next weekend i attended another wedding in riverside. that weekend got off to a bit of a stressful start, but i was able to spend a night catching up with a dear friend in fres-yes (member of the PTC) and then saying farewell to another friend who will be serving overseas for more time than i care to admit. (i'm in denial-jealously).
• the following weekend, i took a mini-road trip with a long-time friend to sacramento. we went to serve with some friends at a work day/beautification project in del paso heights. it was a blessing and joy to do physical labor for the Lord again! hope, we are SO going next year! it was also such a blessing to play nertz until 2am and laugh a whole lot with good friends!
• that sunday, ang and i drove back to san mateo and i was able to attend my first am service with hope church of san mateo. i really have no words to describe how amazing that service was, except that it felt right.
•   the fifth weekend of october i spent at work. yep, that's about all on that weekend.

the month was truly an emotional rollercoaster. i cried more in this month than i have the entire year combined, (and probably the last 2 years combined if i really think about it), but i laughed and celebrated more than the year combined as well.

lessons confronted with: trust God, for He alone is faithful.  i don't know if i've wholeheartedly learned this, (and probably never will), but i am glad that the Lord hasn't given up reminding me of Him. i pray He never does.

october, you were good times, but i'm ready to move on. until next year....

blog attack

It's comin.

Wait for it....

....Wait for it..........

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