unread: 24

dear 568 unread blogs,

i did not like when you appeared on my google reader. in fact, i was quite upset that i had missed out on information from my good friends' lives. you made me feel like a slacker, 568. but to you, i now say "boosh." i have changed you, 568, forever! never again will my google reader show you! never again will your overwhelming digitary complexity show your face!

i have found contentment in a new number: 24. it's a kinder, more palatable number.

farewell for good, 568!

with no genuine love,
cinders

holi

Holi:

a spring religious festival celebrated by hindus.

(per wikipedia)

colors.

paint.

laughter.

worship to the untrue.

holi, i want to participate in you one day

(minus the untrue worship part.)

He restores my soul

Psalm 23

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
 He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
 He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
   for his name’s sake.

 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

   I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
   your rod and your staff,
   they comfort me.

 You prepare a table before me
   in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
   my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
   all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD
    forever.



* * * * *

freshman year in college, we had to take a strengths finder assessment. my top strength, restorative. at first, i thought this was a crazy strength for me because i can be so apathetic. but over the past few years, i've seen how God has uniquely created me to love, and even yearn for, restoration. and i think this is why i'm a nurse. i get to come along side people and help facilitate physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental restoration. and i think this is one reason why God has burdened my heart so deeply for the lost. i long to see those who don't know the Lord, who are separated from Him, to be restored to Him forever.

but sometimes, i forget how much i crave restoration in my own life. i love when broken friendships are restored; i love when conflicts have resolution; i love when music ends with some sort of resolution. but there was an element of restoration that i neglected: i love when i live in the reality that Mighty God and Loving Father has restored our relationship through the death and resurrection of His Son.

the last few months have been rough, (i know, not as rough as others when it comes down to it), but i think what made it so difficult is that i wasn't living day to day in the reality of my restored soul. God has restored me. me, the most wretched sinner, the whore, the prideful one. He has chosen to restore me!

He restores my soul

another plan that didn't come to fruition

God's been breaking me of my planner self lately (i.e. the past four months). most of the things that i've planned haven't gone according to my plan and, a lot of the time, haven't even happened.

the latest burst bubble: the conference i was going to go to hear paul washer speak is sold out. i was supposed to buy my ticket yesterday, but got to busy with the move. i'm pretty sad.


oh well, another item left unchecked on the bucket list.

sleepless in san francisco

yep, i'm at work again. at present, i only have two patients and they are both asleep. in a bit i'll have some things to do, but right now, it's all gravy.

another nurse's patient keeps yelling at us because we haven't given him enough food. he's eaten two dinner trays and is insisting he gets another. ha. dude, we aren't at the ritz carrleton. the gov'ment is broke as a joke, three dinners ain't gonna happen.

i need a haircut. BAD! it's all crazy different lengths and the ends aren't lookin too hot. and i have a wedding to go to on saturday. the first of the potential six weddings this year. oye vey.

i said oye vey. haha, i love jews.

it's supposed to rain/snow saturday at the wedding. i think i need to re-think my outfit choice of cute beige sun-dress, light pink cardi, and flowered flats. maybe i should find out if the wedding is indoors or out of doors.

that's kind of a funny statement, out of doors. ha.


the engagement count: 4 weeks, 12 engagements. crazy. cra-zy.

i have friends at work now! it's pretty exciting. although, tonight i experienced the true dirtiness that surfaces all too often in healthcare. thankfully, God has given me the grace to stay out of the conversations a lot.


i got to hang out with a friend from nepal last evening. it was really fun to catch up with him. added bonus: delicious nepali tea and mango lassi. probably the best mango lassi i've had ever. really, ev-er!

last week, i had a really refreshing time with a friend i've only known for a year. i am encouraged by her passionate and grounded spirit, and am blown away by her ability to speak Biblical truth in abundant love. while we don't talk super often, i am always encouraged when we do. while i made pizza, she read Scripture. and not bits and pieces, she read books. sigh. super encouraging. i want more hang out times like this.


i cried the entire way to work. it was hard, but much needed.



i just got my third patient. he's hard of hearing and r/o tb, which means i have to wear a really thick mask. 1)i look hotter than you think. 2)our communication has not been very good thus far.


tuesday is a big day: moving and tax day. holler.

i'm eating strawberries and grapes instead of banana cream pie. #tryingtopromoteweightloss

my pt with PNA and r/t tb (that's pneumonia and rule out tuberculosis for all you lay people out there ;)), wants to go smoke. i called the doc to get permission and he told me "well, that wouldn't be good; he's acutally pretty sick." no way?! really?!

i love hymns. jars of clay redemption songs is currently in my car. so good!






well, this is sleepless in san francisco, signing off. until next time.

uh oh

i may have made a critical error.

pray for grace in the coming hours.

(a titch dramatic? potentially.)

new goal

i set a lot of goals that i don't attain. learning the guitar, reading a book a month, not eating sweets, etc. one goal i had was to be overseas in five years post graduation; 2015 was going to be the golden year. loans paid, experience gained, and no one to rain on this parade.

but why not go sooner? yes, i am committed to my job until october and i have a lease until march 2012, so i am here until then. um,  but who says i can't get a job overseas before 2015? what's wrong with minimum loan payments?

this is not necessarily a new goal, but a new plan i'm going to start praying through.

to God be the glory!

practice

so, my mac friends told me about picnik. so i needed some practice.

and i just put all my files from my old computer on this bad boy. i found the picture below and it made my heart smile.

so here's to practice and great people!

today at work

i only have 2 patients right now. i'm waiting for an admission, though. i'm hungry, but i know as soon as i heat up my food, i'll get a call to receive report. so, i decided to blog.


one of my patients i had last night. he has chronic pain and is able to withstand a lot, and i mean a lot, of morhpine! i keep checking on him to make sure he has respiratory drive. well, anyway, he was in such pain yesterday that i almost started crying with him. one of the worst parts of my job is that i have to watch people "suffer;" yes, i can often help, but sometimes i've done all i could do. that was the case with this man. i am grateful for the Holy Spirit, though, because He reminded me that i offer something better than morphine-Jesus. so i asked if i could pray for him and he said absolutely and that he, too, was a follower. in all honesty, i had my doubts. drug user? weird tats? etoh? but i was wrong....throughout the night, he proved his love for the Lord. i was convicted of my judgemental attitude. throughout our conversations, i was reminded why i became a nurse-to show the love of Jesus Christ with a sick, dying world. i am humbled that i get to this on a regular basis.


my other patient was transfered to our unit yesterday, suspected gi bleed (which freaks me out d/t the lack of specific symptoms until your patient is bleeding out). anyway, he was upset with me from the moment i stepped in his room. during our first few conversations, i kept trying to prove that i was right and that i offered the best solution to his problems. how arrogant can i get?! i finally listened to him. and then i asked if i could pray for him. his response? "where's my rosary???" i found it and handed it to him. he told me that he makes roasries; in fact, he had made 7,000 over the past year. my initial reaction-judgement. (i mean, really, dude? rosaries? hail mary? what about all hail the power of Jesus' name? ugh.) but i am thankful the Spirit took me away from that place. as he went on and on about how to make them and how the rosary is in the Bible, alll i wanted to do was weep. and please believe, i almost did. i got out of the room and took a few deep breaths. my heart broke for the man who knew little of grace. for the man who thought that God heard him because of his repetition. i want him to know how intimate prayer can be and how sitting with God is filled with more joy than repeating "hail mary" could ever be. yes, i tried to communicate this, but as i've blogged before, my verbal communcation kinda sucks and i did not rely on the Spirit for words.


this has been my night thus far. and i am grateful. it has been hard, but it has been amazing.


i'm also making friends at work (haha, that was kind of like, "hey mom, guess what!?"), but this makes me excited. i value relationships, and having meaningful relationships at work is an important step in my job. one of my co-workers wants me to go speed dating with her. i'm thinking i might because how funny would it be when i show up with greasy hair, a tye-dye shirt, and my retainers in? i'm pretty much stoked for this adventure! it was kind of painful to discuss some of the last few months with her. i know, i didn't have to, but i didn't want to lie.


which brings me to my next point. i need to work on not telling everyone everything. my nature: just tell people, who cares? but in persecuted countries, i can't tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth in terms of circumstances. i need to work on stating the truth, but not giving detail. we'll see how that goes.


welp, i'm hungry. i think it's time for some sweet potato gnocchi and asparagus (which, by the way, makes your pee smell really soon after consumption). until next sleepless night...

in the pit

the last four months have been pretty rough. i've been in the pit of my selfishness and inconsistency. 

this week, God allowed me the sheer honor of seeing some of my closest friends again. i miss them. i miss the laughter, the tears, and the heated conversations. i miss the ability to sit in silence, but still have a unique understanding of one another.

i went to socal in the pit.

i came back and things seem different. 

only time will tell if this season of living in the miry bog is over. but i pray it is. i am grateful to have had such a renewing time with friends that i've lived life with over the past 4-5 years and i am grateful for their penetrating encouragement. truly, the Lord has blessed me with the bestest friends in the world. thank you, Jesus!

I waited patiently for the LORD;
   he inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction,
   out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
   making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth,
   a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
   and put their trust in the LORD.

Psalm 40:1-3