looking back

as i reflect back on the past few months, maybe year, i remember questioning grace and asking in earnest to understand what grace means. i told my friend that i "had a hard time with grace" i.e. felt like i had to do stuff to earn favor with God. she challenged me with simple words.

"cindy, you can't do anything to make God love you more or less."

i didn't understand the how these words would resonant with me until now, until a summer filled with teachings about grace and Jesus Christ, until the Holy Spirit moved in my heart and mind. i don't fully understand grace. i don't get how the Creator of all things, including me, could send His Son to die a painful death, a Son who went willingly and bore the wrath of this God and my shame and sin, and then rose again in order to glorify Himself and to restore mankind, including sinful, awful me, to Himself. it makes no sense because i know myself.

however, it makes beautiful sense because God's ways are different than mine and this way resonants in my soul like nothing ever has. glorifying God and enjoying Him forever makes so much sense!

i've been so worried about this year for so many silly reasons, mostly due to the lack of close friends who share such convictions. however, God is abounding is grace and love, for i discovered that a dear friend in my nursing class is also reformed! ok, i know it's just a title, but truly, we hold to some very similar convictions and i feel overwhelmed with God's goodness!!!!

it seems like there's more to write; i'm sure there is. however, i have no words.