Tuesday, November 17, 2009

psalm 143

i've spent most of the school year in the latter 100s of the psalms. in part, because i'm a slacker and, in part, because they grip me.

Hear my prayer, O LORD;
give ear to my pleas for mercy!
In your faithfulness answer me, in your righteousness!
Enter not into judgment with your servant,
for no one living is righteous before you.

For the enemy has pursued my soul;
he has crushed my life to the ground;
he has made me sit in darkness like those long dead.
Therefore my spirit faints within me;
my heart within me is appalled.

I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all that you have done;
I ponder the work of your hands.
I stretch out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.

Answer me quickly, O LORD!
My spirit fails!
Hide not your face from me,
lest I be like those who go down to the pit.
Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love,
for in you I trust.
Make me know the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.

Deliver me from my enemies, O LORD!
I have fled to you for refuge!
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God!
Let your good Spirit lead me
on level ground!

For your name’s sake, O LORD, preserve my life!
In your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble!
And in your steadfast love you will cut off my enemies,
and you will destroy all the adversaries of my soul,
for I am your servant.

it has been a hard semester, mostly because i feel so far away from stuff going on that seems more important than where i currently am. but truly, God is preparing me. at least, right now, it seems this is so. as i was driving home this weekend, i had this utter shock that one day, one glorious day when i'm oversease, i won't just be able to drive home. my "family" won't be just down the streeet or up the five, but they will be around the world. i'm scared to leave them. not because God will stop using either of us, but because i won't get to experience life with them. that's what i'm missing so badly right now. but there are people dying without knowing the wonderful news about Jesus. that i cannot stand for. so my new prayer for my "family" is not for restoration or for strength in this time, but for a passion and conviction about the nations. selfishly in a sense, yes. i would love and be honored to serve long-term with however many of them on the field, but moreover, i just want one more thing to be like minded about them with. but God is supreme; His desire will reign! He knows what He wants from our group. (i know some of you are reading this. i'm just being honest and i'm not saying you don't have a heart for the nations, maybe i'm just saying i'd loved to see us moved to action in a different way)

so there's my heart. i don't really know the capacity that it fits in with psalm 143, but it's there anyway.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

this might be long

i haven't really taken time to process as of late. well, really this entire semester. maybe just one weekend and i didn't even get to really process all that i learned then.

right now, i feel like crap. things are going just fine: i did well on my midterm, passing my classes, riding my bike places, still lovin my car, and the sermon at church was super. i just feel like i am in a rut and can't get out. i want to be utterly consumed with God!!! i want the Holy Spirit to consume me, to constrain me!!! i want my desires to be His desires!!!

but i'm not living in that reality. i keep sinning. i keep finding myself consumed with this world, tasks, and myself. i love it, but i absolutely HATE it!

i feel like paul in romans 7 "For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out...Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it" truly, what a wretched man i am!!

today, the sermon was about the need to die to sin, to self. how? is it mere discipline? do i simply rely on the Holy Spirit to refine and go about on my marry way? golly, i just don't know.

this morning before church i listened to a bunch of paul washer "shorts" and needed to respond with some music unto the Lord. the first song that came up was desert song by hillsong. completely broke me.

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will

i have to/get to speak tomorrow for this thing and i don't even know where to begin. how do i communicate the amazingness of the Lord when i haven't spent much time with Him the past couple of weeks? how do i see anything clearly, including myself, without being able to see God?

don't get all emo on me. this might change tomorrow. i doubt it, but God is bigger than my understanding.