Tuesday, July 27, 2010

job update

today i found out that i did not advance in the stanford interview process. i won't lie, i was crushed. still kinda am. i think know that i let my hopes get too high. now, just because i didn't get this position doesn't mean i can't work there in the future. it just means not now.

today, i also found out that my co-workers were willing to work for me on friday (and sunday)! what makes friday so special, you might ask. welp, i was invited to attend an intro "meeting" at the va, the job i was offered, and took about two and a half weeks ago. i wasn't able to go because of multiple work commitments.

but God provided again! i am able to go and meet the other new grads i will be working and learning with. moreover, i'll be working for someone who really wants me on their team. these words of affirmation i got via voicemail mean more than i can say!

i am overwhelmed. God has answered prayers in SO many ways. for example, i asked that i would know about stanford before the va job started-check. i asked that if stanford wasn't His will, that i would be ok with that-check. i asked for clarity in knowing which position would be best-check. (now, this isn't just because i didn't get the stanford job. over and over today especially, i've been affirmed that this is the place.)

God, You blow my mind! i am in awe of You, the sovereign God with perfect timing. thank You for taking me through the past two weeks. thank You for refining me and teaching me to rejoice in You despite my circumstances. thank You for Your abundant, beautiful grace!

Sunday, July 25, 2010


  • today, i'm a feeler

  • today, i am challenged to renew my soldier-like attitude in terms of the Gospel

  • today, i feel exhausted

  • today, i am struggling to have a good attitude

  • today, i wish i was somewhere else

  • today, i long for it to be five years from now

  • today, i want to simply be on my knees before God, dwelling deeply in His presence

  • today, i wish i could worship with other believers

  • today, i am lost in struggles

  • today, i want to move out

despite all of this, i rest upon this:

today is the day the Lord has made, and i will rejoice and be glad in it!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

ask and you shall receive

no, i haven't heard back from stanford and i didn't miraculously loose a bunch of weight.

i posted the last blog in almost desperation, praying earnestly that the Lord would make my desires stronger for Him and that I would have a renewed, wholehearted passion for Him alone.

i'm beginning to see a renewed focus in my wholehearted pursuit of God. this has come through fervent and desperate prayer, and through the reading of the "biography" of amy carmichael, a woman singling devoted to the cause of Christ. 

there is A LOT i can say about this book, but more than anything, i urge you to read it. be challenged by her love for Christ and by her desire to forsake all in order that Christ would be known.

once i finished the book, (maybe after friday when i work for eleven and a half hours), i will write more. until then, praise God, once again, for His faithfulness!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

pride comes before...

during my eight hours of driving this weekend, i listened to a lot of music. one of these songs was "home" by phil wickham. one of the verses goes like this:

When I saw you I was ashamed
You were pure and I was stained
But You ran to me and You called my name
There were tears of joy upon Your face

 i was immediately reminded of luke 15 where there are three parables in a row, all exclaiming the love the Father has for those things precious to Him that have gone away, but have eventually returned. my favorite story is that of a father and son. it goes like this:

And [Jesus] said, "There was a man who had two sons. And the younger of them said to his father, 'Father, give me the share of property that is coming to me.' And he divided his property between them. Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took a journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in reckless living. And when he had spent everything, a severe famine arose in that country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. And he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything.
 "But when he came to himself, he said, 'How many of my father’s hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants."' And he arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. And the son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.' But the father said to his servants, 'Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.' And they began to celebrate.
(vv 11-24)
i don't mean to take this description out of context, but here's what i've been thinking in regards to it.

that's me. i am a richly and incredibly blessed child of God, the perfect Father. He gives me much, yet i squander my wealth on things of this world. i know God will except me back with loving, joyful arms.

but i don't wanna. i don't want to run to Him. i mean, i do, but i don't want to give up what i have now. i'm still in this place of pride, still squandering what i too often think is mine. i pray that i come to the place where i exlaim, "i will arise and go to my Father," and then do it.

please, don't misunderstand. i'm not living this extreme "double-life," if you will. but my heart, mind, soul, and strength are not soley focused on God. i am not running a focused race. i am content to seek and live half-heartedly.

and this, my friends, is wrong.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

the summer reading continues


i went to start the next book on my summer reading list: radical, by dr. david platt. i thought, clearly this is the best life choice: learn about radical love, learn about radical living in the context of community.

nope, bad life choice. after eight pages, i decided, (very likely that the Holy Spirit prompted me), to hold off until i had processed crazy love a titch more. so how will i be spending these lazy summer afternoons? reading a chance to die by elizabeth elliot. it is the story of amy carmichael, an m to india. she lived a radical life for the gospel.

i pray this book, rather, this woman's story will challenge me to live radically as well. i pray that i will be open and receptive to the Spirit as i read and am challenged. i pray that i will change.

crazy love-part 4

after a very emotional, and even tearful final chapter, i finished crazy love. despite the heavy and fairly constant conviction, i still read 80 pages yesterday; i just couldn't stop!

the book made these final impressions on me:

  • obsessed. what am i obsessed with? after reading one of the latter chapters, my obsessions rarely lye with Christ. instead, they rest on me.
  • when i interact with people i "can't stand" or i get easily frustrated with, do i love them like i love myself? do i treat them as if i was interacting with Christ himself?
  • my life is lived in comfort. as much as i try to deny various comforts in my life, i still live in more comfort than the vast majority of the world, and even so many in the u.s.. 
  • am i willing to live radically in loving others even if there is no earthly reward? am i truly ready to serve "simply" because God is worthy, because He loves me, and because He has commanded me to love?

i pray that my will and my love will be radically transformed by what God has allowed me to read in the pages of crazy love. i pray that i will love more wholly and more fully. i pray that my actions will be a reflection of Christ, a true mirror of the Savor.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010



so it's kinda hard to see, but it's my application status at stanford. status reads "selected for interview."
yep, despite already excepting another job and making a potentially non-integrous move, i am interviewing at stanford hospital this monday.

and i'm REAL excited!

Friday, July 9, 2010

mush pot-take 2

as i previously blogged, my mind feels like mush. i feel like i'm in the middle of a circle watching everyone else play a game and i'm stuck in the middle, watching and waiting.

while friends are amazing at letting me process, it seems like scripture and song lyrics are my main comfort. now, i know some would hate on the "song lyrics" part. and i do to, to an extent. but the reality is, singing songs to God allows one to express praise and adoration, as well as lament.

so here's a sampling of what i'm listening to as of late. i hope they inspire you to run to Christ and fall at His feet.

In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out...
Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful


Now, Lord, I would be Yours alone
And live so all might see
The strength to follow Your commands
Could never come from me.
Oh Father, use my ransomed life
In any way You choose.
And let my song forever be
My only boast is You.
Hallelujah! All I have is Christ
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life

Long my imprisoned spirit lay,
fast bound in sin and nature's night;
thine eye diffused a quickening ray;
I woke, the dungeon flamed with light;

my chains fell off, my heart was free,
I rose, went forth, and followed thee.

Amazing love, how can it be?
that Thou my God would die for me?


And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

Your cross testifies in grace
Tells of the Father's heart to make a way for us
Now boldly we approach
Not by earthly confidence
It's only Your blood
What can wash away our sins?
What can make us whole again?

Nothing but the blood
Nothing but the blood of Jesus
What can wash us pure as snow?
Welcomed as the friends of God
Nothing but Your blood
Nothing but Your blood King Jesus


When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll;
whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

It is well with my soul,
it is well, it is well with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

praise be to God alone!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

mush pot

this currently describes my brain. i have so much going on inside of it, i feel like i'm going crazy.

God has provided once again in my life! i have a job at the SF VA and, while it wasn't my ideal job going into it, this position fits me well. i will be able to form relationships with people and help create community. once again, God displays His plan and that He knows WAY better than me.

i'm reading crazy love more and more. i am convicted beyond belief most days. and most days i end up on my face crying. there is so much that i've needed to repent of, (apathy, selfishness, falsehoods-to name a few). but God's grace is  overly abundant and i know that forgiveness is found in those moments.

here is one passage that rocked my world-literally:

"many of us believe we have as much of God as we want right now, a reasonable portion of God among all the other things in our lives. Most of our thoughts are centered on the money we want to make, the school we want to attend, the body we aspire to have, the spouse we want to marry, the kind of person we want to become...But the fact is that nothing should concern us more than our relationship with God; it's about eternity, and nothing compares with that. God is not someone who can be tacked on to our lives."
-francis chan, crazy love, p. 96

why do i allow things to be more precious to me than pursuing Christ and simply sitting in His presence? it makes me sick to really think that i put other things before God. like, i feel physically ill. why would i desire perishable things instead of the mighty, holy, merciful, faithful,.....Father? but ke garne? i think simply, as my grandma says, i need to keep lookin up to Jesus. i want to be consumed by Him, but i can't unless i choose to be with Him. 

i'll continue in the mush pot a while longer, if you don't mind.

Monday, July 5, 2010

encouragement and challenges


i need people to tell me things. as stated previously, words of affirmation is my love language. when someone pours words of encouragement, "well done's," or even challenges, i feel loved.

this weekend was full of love.

  • on saturday, i was able to spend some time at the beach in hmb. i was reminded of God's wonderful majesty as i starred at the crashing waves and my feet sank into the sand. i was reminded that this unique creator loves me with a deeper love that i can understand, but that i want to rest in this love more than i can express. i was reminded of the need to build all hope on Christ, so i can be like the wise man, not the foolish man.
  • church on sunday was spent at realitysf. i had sweet time with friends on the car ride there and back. the worship, (while considered "gospel light" to some degree), was a much needed to response to the mighty love of the Savior.
  • i headed down to santa cruz/monterey areas to spend the rest of the 4th with some of my new, closest friends. after 2.5 hours to santa cruz, another hour-ish to marina, bomb dinner, beach night, and pie, my friends and i had a deep discussion. we talked about our time overseas. i was affirmed that my actions, while not always perfect, were that of sacrifice and service; that it was evident that my heart's desire was to serve God while in the places we were. after a hard week of mulling over all that had happened once again, and doubting so many of my actions, the affirmation was eagerly received and much needed. but i was also challenged to live in that spirit all the time.

  • this morning, a friend said she had read my blogs. she affirmed many things in my life, but also challenged the socks off me. i have been wrestling with what it is to live at home in this season of life, (a 24-year-old rn, bsn, whose lived away from home for six years, and is now living under her parents' "roof" again). i often say that God has me in certain places for a reason, but this usually has to do with being single or having a certain job. but what about ministering to my family? how does my life as a follower of Christ truly impact them? with this, i was challenged. and i am more grateful than words can express!

i've said it before, and i'll say it again-i'm excited for what God is doing at this point in my life. and He's working so mightily in the lives of my friends. i have lots-really, i mean lots-to learn! but i am thrilled!!! God has never failed and He never will. i just can't wait to see what that looks like in my life and the lives of my friends!!

until next time

    Sunday, July 4, 2010

    brother oswald

    today's reading:


    "Fret not thyself, it tendeth only to evil doing." Psalm 37:8 (R.V.)

    Fretting means getting out at elbows mentally or spiritually. It is one thing to say "Fret not," but a very different thing to have such a disposition that you find yourself able not to fret. It sounds so easy to talk about "resting in the Lord" and "waiting patiently for Him" until the nest is upset - until we live, as so many are doing, in tumult and anguish, is it possible then to rest in the Lord? If this "don't" does not work there, it will work nowhere. This "don't" must work in days of perplexity as well as in days of peace, or it never will work. And if it will not work in your particular case, it will not work in anyone else's case. Resting in the Lord does not depend on external circumstances at all, but on your relationship to God Himself. 

    Fussing always ends in sin. We imagine that a little anxiety and worry are an indication of how really wise we are; it is much more an indication of how really wicked we are. Fretting springs from a determination to get our own way. Our Lord never worried and He was never anxious, because He was not "out" to realize His own ideas; He was "out" to realize God's ideas. Fretting is wicked if you are a child of God.

    Have you been bolstering up that stupid soul of yours with the idea that your circumstances are too much for God? Put all "supposing" on one side and dwell in the shadow of the Almighty. Deliberately tell God that you will not fret about that thing. All our fret and worry is caused by calculating without God.

    ok, God, i get it. i clearly hear you telling me not to fret, not worry, or be anxious. i trust in your faithfulness. i trust in your ability to provide. You will provide a job for me; You have brought me this far and You will continue to lead me in Your ways. praise be to You, oh God of wonder!

    Friday, July 2, 2010

    from one book to the next

    i finished matthew and have moved onto mark. it's been great reading this book in the early am or mid-afternoon while i work office. here are a few bits that i don't know if i ever remember reading before:

    And he went away and began to proclaim in the Decapolis how much Jesus had done for him, and everyone marveled.
    mark 5:20

    everyone, those who had just begged Jesus, marveled.

    When he went ashore he saw a great crowd, and he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. And he began to teach them many things.
    mark 6:34

    Jesus notices lostness and does not blame anyone or thing. instead, He has compassion and does something about the state of the crowd-He teaches.

    And he got into the boat with them, and the wind ceased. And they were utterly astounded, for they did not understand about the loaves, but their hearts were hardened.
    mark 6:51-52

    Christ is in front of you. He has just walked on the water and few thousands upon thousands of people with nothing. yet, they did not understand. they were bewildered, or astounded, but what this "man" had done.

    And they came to Bethsaida. And some people brought to him a blind man and begged him to touch him. And he took the blind man by the hand and led him out of the village, and when he had spit on his eyes and laid his hands on him, he asked him, "Do you see anything?" And he looked up and said, "I see men, but they look like trees, walking." Then Jesus laid his hands on his eyes again; and he opened his eyes, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly. And he sent him to his home, saying,  "Do not even enter the village."
    mark 8:22-26

    why did it take double the spit? was there a lack of faith on the part of the blind man? what was Jesus demonstrating? what did He intend to be learned? and then, i so wonder why Jesus sends the man to his home, but insists that he not enter the village? i mean, the time of the Son of Man was not yet, but wouldn't the man's family notice that, well, you know, that he could see!?

     As they passed by in the morning, they saw the fig tree withered away to its roots. And Peter remembered and said to him, "Rabbi, look! The fig tree that you cursed has withered." And Jesus answered them, "Have faith in God. Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be taken up and thrown into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses."
    mark 20-25

    sometimes i wonder if forgiveness is what keeps me from experiencing God and being in deep communion with Him. i have total faith that God has the power to heal, to move, to rise from the dead. yet, when i've prayed such things, i have rarely seen them come to pass. i wonder if it's my lack of forgiveness, which is probably a lack of faith. (i might not fully trust the Lord to carry out His justice on those deserving of it (romans 12:17-21))

    these are my thoughts thus far. i couldn't re-find the one that really blew me away. maybe another day.

    until next time