mush pot

this currently describes my brain. i have so much going on inside of it, i feel like i'm going crazy.

God has provided once again in my life! i have a job at the SF VA and, while it wasn't my ideal job going into it, this position fits me well. i will be able to form relationships with people and help create community. once again, God displays His plan and that He knows WAY better than me.

i'm reading crazy love more and more. i am convicted beyond belief most days. and most days i end up on my face crying. there is so much that i've needed to repent of, (apathy, selfishness, falsehoods-to name a few). but God's grace is  overly abundant and i know that forgiveness is found in those moments.

here is one passage that rocked my world-literally:

"many of us believe we have as much of God as we want right now, a reasonable portion of God among all the other things in our lives. Most of our thoughts are centered on the money we want to make, the school we want to attend, the body we aspire to have, the spouse we want to marry, the kind of person we want to become...But the fact is that nothing should concern us more than our relationship with God; it's about eternity, and nothing compares with that. God is not someone who can be tacked on to our lives."

-francis chan, crazy love, p. 96

why do i allow things to be more precious to me than pursuing Christ and simply sitting in His presence? it makes me sick to really think that i put other things before God. like, i feel physically ill. why would i desire perishable things instead of the mighty, holy, merciful, faithful,.....Father? but ke garne? i think simply, as my grandma says, i need to keep lookin up to Jesus. i want to be consumed by Him, but i can't unless i choose to be with Him. 

i'll continue in the mush pot a while longer, if you don't mind.