this might be long

i haven't really taken time to process as of late. well, really this entire semester. maybe just one weekend and i didn't even get to really process all that i learned then.

right now, i feel like crap. things are going just fine: i did well on my midterm, passing my classes, riding my bike places, still lovin my car, and the sermon at church was super. i just feel like i am in a rut and can't get out. i want to be utterly consumed with God!!! i want the Holy Spirit to consume me, to constrain me!!! i want my desires to be His desires!!!


but i'm not living in that reality. i keep sinning. i keep finding myself consumed with this world, tasks, and myself. i love it, but i absolutely HATE it!

i feel like paul in romans 7 "For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out...Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it" truly, what a wretched man i am!!

today, the sermon was about the need to die to sin, to self. how? is it mere discipline? do i simply rely on the Holy Spirit to refine and go about on my marry way? golly, i just don't know.



this morning before church i listened to a bunch of paul washer "shorts" and needed to respond with some music unto the Lord. the first song that came up was desert song by hillsong. completely broke me.

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will

i have to/get to speak tomorrow for this thing and i don't even know where to begin. how do i communicate the amazingness of the Lord when i haven't spent much time with Him the past couple of weeks? how do i see anything clearly, including myself, without being able to see God?

don't get all emo on me. this might change tomorrow. i doubt it, but God is bigger than my understanding.