in the depths of despair?

yes, i watched a bit of anne of green gables last night, hence the title. it's isn't entirely fitting, but nonetheless, some days i just feel that.

last night was real bad. my dad is such an angry man, so than i get angry. i get angry at his unjust and irrational angry, but praise God for the Holy Spirit because then my heart is overwhelmed and i cannot believe that this man that i have grown up with, that i share half a genetic code with, does not know the power in Christ Jesus. to him, Jesus was simply a thing on a "to do" list many years ago and it has been since check off. oh, but if he would seek after God! if he would come to know repentance and gentleness and self-sacrifice in the work of the Spirit! if he would know it wasn't a one time thing and that the gospel is a continuing process!

once again, praise God for the Holy Spirit and His Word. Romans 3:10-18 says:

"None is righteous, no, not one;
no one understands;
no one seeks for God.
All have turned aside; together they have become worthless;
no one does good,
not even one."
"Their throat is an open grave;
they use their tongues to deceive."
"The venom of asps is under their lips."
"Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness."
"Their feet are swift to shed blood;
in their paths are ruin and misery,
and the way of peace they have not known."
"There is no fear of God before their eyes."

and in Ephesians 2:1-5 says:

"And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved"



my dad cannot seek the Lord apart from the moving of the Holy Spirit. but i was once a child of wrath as well. i desired to be disobedient as well, yet God was merciful to me. why did he choose me? i struggle with the question so much after being in india and seeing so many people without the love and saving work of the True God in their lives. i pray that my heart would be enlightened to why the Almighty would choose such a worm as i. i pray that the Holy Spirit would work in my dad's life to show him repentance and to show him what it truly means to believe; i pray that i would have faith enough to ask that this small mountain would move.

rachel tagged me...thanks, i feel loved.

What are 5 things on your to-do list for today?
1. short work stop
2. dentist
3. car to the shop
4. pick up the car from the shop
5. do some work for the boss lady

What are 5 snacks you enjoy?
1. chips and salsa
2. melon
3. pretzels
4. goldfish (cause they're SO delicious!)
5. trailmix

What are 5 things you would do if you were a billionaire?
1. give the money to India
2. yes, buy a new car
3. pay for school
4. go to greece
5. INVEST! (so i can do the above)

What are 5 of your bad habits?
1. over-criticizing people and things
2. picking my nose (yes, it's gross i know)
3. talking during movies, but telling others not to do it
4. i leave weeks worth of socks in my bed
5. i fart in my car

Where are 5 places you have lived?
1. san mateo
2. hume lake
3. riverside
4. india for seven weeks
5.

What are 5 jobs you've had?
1. lifeguard/swim instructor with SMRD
2. senior lifeguard/swim instructor with SMRD
3. lifeguard at CBU
4. Frozen Sombrero at Hume
5. a couple under the table jobs....

What 5 people do you want to tag?
1. Jillian
2. Justine
3. Diane
4. Shy
5. Deez

songs

so i'm not really a fan of those blogs that post music lyrics (no offense to those who do) but lately i have NOT been able to get this one song out of my head that we sang at orientation and debriefing, (it sounds like we were taking off our underwear....).

it's an older song i guess, but who cares? it's awesome! "Sing to the King" is the title and it is truly amazing!! i walk around the house singing, i sing it in the target and get weird looks, and yes, even in the shower. the only minor detail/issue i have with it is the line that says "He's all we need," when truly Jesus is all we have. so in true cindy style, i just change it when i sing it.

i'm not going to post the lyrics cause i want you to look up the song (suckas!). but truly y'all check it out if you don't know it or if you haven't heard it in a while. it is worth the 99 cents!!

crazy

this time, not so much an allusion to me.

i was be a creeper and checking out some of my friends' facebooks and it was so crazy to look at fun pictures from the summer. things have changed for sure! one friend is engaged, another broken up, another married. friends will be tanner, friends will be closer, some friends won't be friends at all. i know people grow while i'm away, i'm used to that by now, it's still just weird to see and expierence them grow so much while i've also been growing so much. ok, selfish, i know. i want to be some shining light to save my friends this summer by sharing all that i've learned about God, but boy, am glad God has different plans!!!

i have also been able to, quite easily, compartmentalize my life for the past four years in terms of friendships. i have my friends at home, containing of all church friends, then i have work at home, (which i only think about during the summer really, simplifying life even more), school friends, and joshua friends. now i will have to add a whole new category of sa101 friends and friends from this country. so weird-and quite complicated strangely...oh well.

i don't really know the purpose of this blog, but maybe it was to point out that i'm in fact the crazy one, not the circumstances that will surround me when i reutrn in approx. 1 week and 2 hours.



umm, p/s-while i write this blog, there an indian woman singing not too well next to me. it is absolutely hilarious and i wish i could laugh SO loud more at her apparent ignorance to her off-key sounds than to the sounds themselves, but i can't.

azan

it means call to prayer. it's become strangely familiar, especially sometime 5 every evening. i almost wait for it. tonight, sarah and i were on top of a very tall house and were able to look out over the city. i said "what an escape for the business of this city!" she proceeded to add "wouldn't it be crazy if the azan went off?" we checked the time and within seconds "allah...." could be heard in the distance. then another one. then another. there were too many mosques to count, but nobody went to pray. no body fell to their knees in utter devotions. women simply covered their heads and went on, while some of the men chose to mute the tv. then the closest mosque to where we were standing began its song. oh how sad was the man that cried out! was he in utter dispare? was he pleading with those in the town to join him? was his heart utterly distrot for he knew no reason why he should repeat this silly thing again today?
my heart ached. i wish i could say i wepted, but i didn't.

the only thing that kept me sane was (is) "greater things are still to come and greater things are still to be done in this city for there is no one like our God."

oh how amazing it is!

my last post was quite unkind and for that i ask your forgiveness.
during my stay overseas and i have the priveldge to catch up on some much needed reading. the Word has been SO refreshing! also, i have finished voyage of the dawn treader and am alsmost finished with what's so amazing about grace? to latter i wish to address my atttention in this blog.
grace is something i can't seem to wrap my head around. how could this incredibly holy God show grace to such a lowly sinner like me? while i still struggle with God's mercy and glory in this regard, i've learned quite about grace. while the Word is the ultimate authority, i'd like to share some excerpts (sp?) from the book to help relate (the chapter is dealing with legalism in the church...):
-"by its very nature legalism encourages hypocrisy because it defines a set of behavior that may cloak what is going on inside."
-"the more i relfect on the elder son (from the prodigal son) in me, the more i realize how deeply rooted this form of lostness really is and how hard it is to return home from there. returning home from a lustful escapade seems so much easier than returning home from a cold anger that has rooted itself in the deepest corners of my being."
-"repentance, no proper behavior or even holiness, is the doorway to grace. and the opposite of sin is grace, not virtue."
-"law merely indicated the sickness; grace brought back the cure."
-the solution to sin is not to impose an ever-stricture code of behavior. It is to know God."

i could go on and on. but the last few are my favorite. i must know God. during training, someone did a talk on "grace and peace to you." he said, "to those rickshaw drivers who cheat you, give them grace and peace. i think i am slowly understanding what that means in a practical way as God leads me to a deeper repentance and to a deeper sense of grace.

love you guys and am excited to see you and make you real chai :)

i forgot....

well, i am going through a bit of culture shock, so all the things i forgot about this amazing culture i am starting to remember:

1. EVERYWHERE i a trash can. i mean really, cant't you just through it in the garbage?
2. no one cares if you don't want anymore-you'll eat and you'll like it!
3. you can pee out of your butt-yes, that's right. it should be on ripply's or something
4. rickshaw drivers suck. ok, ok, they don't know Jesus, but really, 70 rrp?? no way!
5. can't i just have some toliet paper for my room? i mean, i don't want to ask a bunch of men at the front counter for tp...so embarsing
6. non-verbal communication is sometimes hard to follow. what is it? 80% non-verbal? here-at least 90%. CRAZY!
7. yes, i'm white, i have blonde hair, and i am 5'9"-ish and weigh a whole lot more than your sister, but why do you have to stare all day long?

ok, enough negativity. i still love it. it just gets to me sometimes.

on another not, what the crap is with the new cbu website? "live your purpose?" i mean seriously? and what happened to the nice inside cbu tab? how do i find it stinkin insidecbu? please, somebody....