new plans

welp.

yea.

today i found out that i won't be staying on the same unit that i've been training on for the last three months. wednesday will be my last day with my preceptor, my fellow lisenced and unlicensed staff, and my patients. i was in shock when i found out. i felt almost betrayed. but i know it was not because they didn't like me (or the other new grads, for that matter); it was a mere budgetary issues. 

so what does this mean? 

i'm not entirely sure. i do know that i won't be hit on multiple times a day, (there goes my self-esteem!), or give out more laxatives than blood pressure medication. and it seems like i will still have a full time job. the issue is simply where. the choices as far as i know: med/surg (with an ortho focus) or tcu/telemetry. the latter is the unit i hoped to transfer to at the end of my year at the clc. the opportunity would be amazing! 

the truth is, though, i'm scared. my assessment skills feel like they've declined. i haven't inserted an iv successfully in almost 2 months. i haven't hung iv meds in even longer.

the beauty of this situation:

i have no control.

in any of it.

God has been changing my plans and restructuring my thinking over the past 6-7months in ways i never imagined. it seems like every time i made these great plans, the Lord would surprise me with different ones. in all honesty, i've been frustrated and angry because of it all too often. but in this instance, i see that the Lord's plans are far better than mine! He knew how good this training position would be for me and how i need to move on now. i pray that i may recall His goodness in this situation and remember His goodness amongst other "foiled" plans. 

so, on monday, 11/22, i will experience the strength of the Lord in my weakness, once again. and, in the eight days that proceed it, His power will be made perfect in my complete weakness. in my tiredness, frustration, and feebleness, i declare glory to Him who alone is worthy!

deleted.

i had a friend write a blog once in which she basically said, "i typed a bunch of stuff and then deleted it. i feel better now."

i just did the same thing.

i don't think i feel much better.

veteran's day

yep, that's today. and, as i tweeted earlier, it's my day everyday. even on days off, my dad is a vet and things seem to revolve around that more than i thought.

so i work at a veteran's hospital. i'm learning a lot about what's important to vets and their beliefs. but everyday, i end up more confused and have tons more to learn! but through my short three months working with these guys, (and occasional gal), i've wrestled with what i believe as a follower of Christ and as an american.

i am a firm believer that i am an american Christian. my loyalty to Christ alone; my home and hope are found in Him alone. so where does this leave me when i am to celebrate those who have risked their lives for what america stands for? 

i don't dislike those people or hold a grudge against them in any way. in all honesty, my heart breaks for most of the men i work with. their hope is in government, politics, the connections to the military, but that will all end. government and military are not eternal. Christ alone is eternal. 

this isn't all i wanted to say, but i'm not sure how to put the rest into words. please forgive this blog if it is incoherent or confusing. welcome to my brain.

waiting

my dear friend sent this too me a few weeks ago. it was here "theme" song for almost 2 years. it's my turn to adopt it. 

p.s.-the video isn't great, but enjoy the words.

the desert

i know, this blog title isn't new. i used to think riverside was my desert, that life was dry and i longed to be able to serve Jesus in a more real way. "if only i could be in the work place," i would plea.

i had no idea how good i had it!

i was constantly surrounded by friends, like-minded believers, and wiser people than me that pushed me to look at the world and Jesus differently.

now, i see my friends a couple of times a week, i spend 1.5hrs a day in a car, and am surrounded by no one at work who is like-minded.

this is a desert.

and it seems that i have another 40 years to go.

don't misunderstand me. i love the serious, ridiculous, and edifying times with my church family. i love being able to worship while driving in a beautiful part of california. i love being challenged to live sacrificially in my workplace and be Jesus to people.

but this is an interim time. 

i long to be overseas, (my earthly promise land, if you will). learning language, eating food that makes me pee out my butt, using squatty potties, relying on the Spirit in ways that i can't even imagine, having spiritual conversations without awkwardness......the list goes on.

but i'm not there yet. 

it feels like i'm waiting just outside, eager to enter the land of promise.

God's timing is perfect. i know that. God never fails; i know that, too. but to live that out in mundane of life is butt-hard! 

here i wait.

here i listen to the Spirit.

here i learn.

here i worship.

nurses are...

after being surrounded by nurses most of my life, but in a more concentrated setting the last three months, i think it's time to share some of my observations

 

• nurses have are obsessive compulsive. we have to have things our way, but no two nurses do things the same way. famous line for nurses, "well, that's not how I do it." yea, i know. 
• nurses are also borderline. how you might ask? well, have you been in a nurse's break room? everyone is all smiles when the manager or charge nurse is in there, but as soon as they leave, the griping begins. lovely.
• so many nurses are single or divorced. what's the deal with that?  
• nurses must be a.d.d. not only are there routine, daily tasks, but a nurse must conquer the random, out of the blue happenings that occur everyday. between falls, admissions and discharges, new orders, patients leaving for hours when they are supposed to be getting a dressing change, and the occasional argument with the physician, life as a nurse really is a box of chocolates.
• people share major life events with nurses. birth, birthdays, terminal diagnoses, death. this is an honor that nurses, including myself, all too often forget.
• nurses can be real, well, um, bitches. i mean, have you seen two nurses from different units get together? it's like the sharks and jets reunion or something.
• nurses function in the conflict styles of accommodator/confronter. we accommodate our patients to the best of our ability, but get in our way or mess with our patients, we will get all hyphie on ya.
• nurses deal with incredible emotional stress. one minute, you see a patient getting better and getting ready to be discharged. on your next shift, you find out that they've been admitted to the i.c.u. with a g.i. bleed and it's only "a matter of time" before they pass. (no wonder so many in my profession are alcoholics)
• a majority of the nurses i've encounter call themselves christians. their actions all too often don't reflect it.

i know these observations aren't true of all nurses, but it's what i've seen in myself and others.  the last one is the scariest to me. i hope that people see Christ in my life, and that i will be able to share Him with my fellow odd-ball professionals.

rainy season

i'm not used to the rain anymore. after living in riverside, aka a desert, for 5 years, i'm unaccustomed to cold weather, especially rain.

i really do love the rain, but i don't find myself being able to truly enjoy it since i've started working. 

today, i took the opportunity to enjoy it. no, i didn't sit or run around in the rain all afternoon, (although i might still do that...). rather, i got snuggled up in sweats, a hoodie, and blankets, lit some candles, and drank some vanilla ruiboos tea. to top it off, i spent some good time with my Father. i really can't think of a better day to spend a rainy sabbath. thank You, Jesus, for allowing that to happen!