Rwanda and Clinical

I went there a few years ago. I made a friend named Josephine and we still communicate through email. I hadn't heard from her in a few months, but today i got an email from her. at the end of the email she said, "i still remember the last words you told me: 'God Bless you.'"

sometimes i don't think my words matter or that small encounters don't matter. this email proved that wrong. simple words can mean so much and leave on impact on a person.

today in clinical, the spiritual realm was quite evident. i had at least three spiritual conversations, more than i've ever had in a clinical setting. although the mental health realm breaks my heart because people are so trapped, i feel blessed and honored to be used to share the gospel of our Lord with people who are suffering. i pray that He will continue to use me and that i will continue to look for Him here and now as i wait-impatiently.

solitary meals

i was an extreme introvert today, eating all of my meals by myself and spending much of the day in my apartment or at work. there were too many thoughts going through my head, so i need to unload here.


outside the caf on thursday nights, a group of guys collect to go meals to give to the homeless. tonight, one of the guys had a sign. it was a carboard sign with sharpy writing. it read, "help the homeless." so simple, yet so powerful. i knew they were going to be there, but i still scanned and got a to go meal according to my needs. as i walked out, i smiled and was really confused. i wanted to eat my dinner, but as i ate my salad with cucumbers and carrots, i felt guilty. i don't like when people try to use guilt and sympathy to get me to do something. my actions should be a matter of conviction. maybe that's what this is and i just don't want to admit it. i guess i feel that bringing meals to people i just a temporary solution. i want to partake in something that will change and restore the lives of people. the system is broke and i don't know if a few meals will change anything. maybe i am too focused on the forest and not enough on the trees.

it's been two days without facebook and i've checked my email at least ten times, my bank account four times, and my grades on blackboard three times. i've already begun to tell myself a couple times today, "just check it through your email, it's no worries." ugh! ridic! while the not going on facebook thing is to inspire more time with the Lord and less wasted time, it still seems like time was wasted. oddly, i still got a lot accomplished today, but i am excited to see what happens as i continue to let go of this area of my life and the Lord strips me of this dependence.

there was a forwarding text going around today about 22 afganhi missionaries being executed. i don't know the falidity to this and i'm not calling my friends liars, but i just want to understand. i am grieved by this, but also rejoice, knowing that their devotition to the Lord even to death may lead to more repentant souls.

i've watched singing in the rain twice this week. gene kelly is amazing. i want to learn how to dance. i wish i had learned when i was younger, oh well. in school, i always said, "when i grow up i want to be a balllerina." maybe i still have a hidden, or not so hidden, longing to be so.

i also wanted to be the antithesis of that. "when i grow up, i want to be a fireman...no, firewoman!" i would say proudly. i guess i came closer to this in the whole "wanting to save lives" thing. the strength of restoration started young.

i can't wait to see how God moves tomorrow, inshallah.

psalm 25

"Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses. my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins."

i felt this way as of late. selfishly, i think that no one can related to where i am and where i desire to go. while i have many friends who desire to minister overseas, many of them are graduating soon and already have avenues in which to go. i, on the other hand, have another 3 semesters to complete and don't have any agencies in mind to go with. i know i don't have to go with an agency, i just want to at first (at least for now).

i was able to be in a setting surrounded by people who feel the same way or who have gone through similar things and it was more of a blessing than i could have pictured. it gave me hope and the strength, not simply to wait, but to wait on God and His timing. i was reminded that this is a time of preparation in so many different ways and that i should be joyful in this time of training.

"Make me to know your ways, O LORD; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long... Good and upright is the LORD; therefore he instructs sinners in the way. He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way. All the paths of the LORD are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies."

i will rest in this. i know i seem convinced that i will get to go overseas, but i hope that God will make me moldable to whatever He desires for me. i pray that he will redirect my focus to minister to the sick, the helpless, and the blind here especially while i am here. so until the day comes when He calls me to distant shores, i will rest in this:

"Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me! Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for you."

"For [South Asia] will be filled
with the knowledge of the glory of the LORD
as the waters cover the sea."
Habakkuk 2:14

the longing is almost too great

the more God seems to saturate me in the Gospel, the more my heart longs for india. maybe that's why i shy away at times; it decreases the heartache. somehow, ignorance doesn't seem to feel too blissful.

Enfield

....connecticut???


i was catching up on my chapels from last week and got a load of mr. rick holland spoke. he basically presented the gospel, the true gospel. of course, i loved every minute of it, and not simply because he addressed the wrath of God, but why the wrath of God was upon man. IT WAS FRICKIN' AWESOME! throughout his sermon he alluded to jonathan edwards and his sermon "in the hands of an angry God."

Apparently, this sermon was preached in enfield, connecticut and "the great awakening" took place.




fast forward a few hundred years to a lil' band called enfield. some connections? i'd like to think so. if you questioned their validity before, i hope you would check them out now. (this is NOT a paid advertisement

(untitled)

i love reading blogs. i don't know how many i subscribe to and i don't claim to subscribe to TONS, however, those i do read are simply great.

as of late, i've enjoyed reading blogs of my friends because they keep blogging about their time in other parts of the world and how God has burdened their hearts for His people in so many different places. i love that i have friends that are like-minded in seeing God's fame carried throughout the nations and are burdened with this mission. with that, may the "earth will be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the LORD, as the waters cover the sea" (Habakkuk 2:13-15)!

the fear of the Lord is clean

it seems as if God has been very real to me over the past few weeks. time in the Word, whether it be meditation or study, has been so sweet. He has been challenging me to lay aside and confess things that have been a burden for years so that i might run the race with more endurance and shine more brightly for Him (Hebrews 12:1).

in one of the sermons i listened to by, whom else, paul washer, he described a man who read john 3:16 over and over again. he would say, i understand, but it is not a reality to me. he read it another time. "for God so loved the world....i'm saved!" he cried. "have you never read this passage before?!" he had seen the scripture with new eyes because the Holy Spirit had given Him new eyes. i feel like this as i've been reading the scriptures as of late. it seems as if the Spirit has granted me new eyes and a new appreciation for the glories of His word. i humbled by His faithfulness in doing so.

while i blown away daily by what i've been reading in the Word, today i read Psalm 19. here is a section from that (v. 7-11):

The law of the LORD is perfect,
reviving the soul;
the testimony of the LORD is sure,
making wise the simple;
the precepts of the LORD are right,
rejoicing the heart;
the commandment of the LORD is pure,
enlightening the eyes;
the fear of the LORD is clean,
enduring forever;
the rules of the LORD are true,
and righteous altogether.
More to be desired are they than gold,
even much fine gold;
sweeter also than honey
and drippings of the honeycomb.
Moreover, by them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.

i have read this psalm before, but cannot remember having the fear of the Lord described has "claen." isn't that wonderful!?! this passage is filled with the glories of the fear of God. i was blown away by this scripture and pray that you will be too!

my head is spinning

this week has been filled with different emotions and experiences. from a being called a whore to my "uncle" ray passing to being a leader at intensive training weekend, you can believe that my emotions are kinda outa wack. i feel as if God is so gracious to allow me to have so many experiences and to allow me to be physically exhausted from it all. i am excited for rest this evening and for some good, solid time in the Word tomorrow (inshala).

thank you to those of you who have been praying for my family and our friends. i feel so disconnected from the situation that i don't know how to properly update. also, thank you for those who have been keeping my trip overseas this summer in your prayers. our team continues to bond and grow. God has blessed me so much with an amazing team and an amazing co-leader!

do you ever just feel overwhelmed with the work of God in your life that you don't even know how to properly express it?!? well, that's where i'm at.

death comes unexpectedly

i'm kinda emotional right now, so this blog won't make much sense.

my dad's best friend growing just passed away. i used to call him "uncle ray." he didn't know Jesus. his wife and child don't know Jesus. please join with me in praying that God would tear the scales off of their eyes, that they may see the wonders of our King!

my dad doesn't know. my gammy and uncle don't know Him either. as they struggle through this loss, would you please pray that God radically moves in their lives? would you pray that my sister, mom, and i would share Christ radically in our lives?


i'm sure i will blog more on this later as i move through the grief stages. for now, PLEASE join me on your knees as we intercede in order to make the name of Christ made known here.

radical conservative

i have been reading john stott's through the Bible, through the year. some days seem mundane, other days i am rocked by the new reality that he sheds onto scripture. this was one of those days and, despite the resent blog mania, i feel inclined to share.

mr. stott examined John 4, the story of Jesus's encounter with the samaritan woman at the well. i won't review the story, sadly assuming that everyone who reads this blog is familiar with the story. stott says that Jesus defied tradition multiple times during this encounter, but never defied scripture. in fact, Jesus was probably more in line with scripture by reaching out to this woman. mr stott's point was that Jesus was very conservative in terms of His adherence and belief in scripture, but radically different (possibly defiant?) when it came to tradition. now when i pray to be like Jesus, not only will i assume that this includes suffering for the name of the Almighty God, but it means being a radical conservative.

i have also already blogged about my conservative nature in regards to scripture. i still hold to this. i am reformed almost to the core, learning to value scripture more and have it permeate into every aspect of my life. when it comes to tradition, i have a bit of work to do. my current church in riverside has begun to stretch me in this aspect and i am very grateful for it. i pray that i will be more radical in terms of what is tradition, man's words, and more fiercely adhering to the Word of Light.


SIDE NOTE: i don't write these things to be arrogant, but rather to share what God is teaching me, knowing that it can encourage others if God wills. that is all.