solitary meals

i was an extreme introvert today, eating all of my meals by myself and spending much of the day in my apartment or at work. there were too many thoughts going through my head, so i need to unload here.


outside the caf on thursday nights, a group of guys collect to go meals to give to the homeless. tonight, one of the guys had a sign. it was a carboard sign with sharpy writing. it read, "help the homeless." so simple, yet so powerful. i knew they were going to be there, but i still scanned and got a to go meal according to my needs. as i walked out, i smiled and was really confused. i wanted to eat my dinner, but as i ate my salad with cucumbers and carrots, i felt guilty. i don't like when people try to use guilt and sympathy to get me to do something. my actions should be a matter of conviction. maybe that's what this is and i just don't want to admit it. i guess i feel that bringing meals to people i just a temporary solution. i want to partake in something that will change and restore the lives of people. the system is broke and i don't know if a few meals will change anything. maybe i am too focused on the forest and not enough on the trees.

it's been two days without facebook and i've checked my email at least ten times, my bank account four times, and my grades on blackboard three times. i've already begun to tell myself a couple times today, "just check it through your email, it's no worries." ugh! ridic! while the not going on facebook thing is to inspire more time with the Lord and less wasted time, it still seems like time was wasted. oddly, i still got a lot accomplished today, but i am excited to see what happens as i continue to let go of this area of my life and the Lord strips me of this dependence.

there was a forwarding text going around today about 22 afganhi missionaries being executed. i don't know the falidity to this and i'm not calling my friends liars, but i just want to understand. i am grieved by this, but also rejoice, knowing that their devotition to the Lord even to death may lead to more repentant souls.

i've watched singing in the rain twice this week. gene kelly is amazing. i want to learn how to dance. i wish i had learned when i was younger, oh well. in school, i always said, "when i grow up i want to be a balllerina." maybe i still have a hidden, or not so hidden, longing to be so.

i also wanted to be the antithesis of that. "when i grow up, i want to be a fireman...no, firewoman!" i would say proudly. i guess i came closer to this in the whole "wanting to save lives" thing. the strength of restoration started young.

i can't wait to see how God moves tomorrow, inshallah.