james 4

i started reading james after matthew. i remember it being a super convicting book in areas that i really struggle with. today was chapter 4. and it will probably be it again tomorrow.

"What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, "He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us"? But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble."

and if that wasn't powerful enough...

"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you."

there are so many commands in those last verses. and strong commands at that. submit, resist, draw near, cleanse, purify, be wretched, mourn, weep, humble, turn. ok, those last two aren't exactly verbs, but you get the picture. i don't know what to make of all this, except that i have a lot of growing to do. ultimately, i think it starts with submitting to God and i can't think i've done that just because i sang a cute song or even because i read this powerful piece of scripture. i need to submit simply because He deserves it and is worthy of my submission.

:)

ok, i'm a blog maniac today, but without facebook, i must convey my super exciting news!

so i hear once that a couple found a church they wanted to be a part of, moved there, and then found employment. i was convicted by their leap of faith and how they trusted the Lord to provide for them. i decided to adopt this model.

i started calling nurse recruiters today. it was fairly disappointing since all i got was voice mail after voice mail. i called the va in sf last, just cause it's not really my first choice.

but i actually got to talk to someone! and she sent me an application right then and there!

so, God is faithful, again-duh! although i am not guaranteed the job by any means, i needed the reassurance that He provides in His timing. (feel free to remind me of that statement if i am still jobless in august).

i would enlist your prayers as i enter "the real world." i feel so lost as i fill out applications and have no idea who to ask to be references and perfect my resume. wisdom would be great right about now.



side note: my new favorite quote is "oh no, he turn [the gun] sideways! skill shot! that's a kill shot!" (from date night)

the Church

most of you know that i am privileged to be part of a church plant-Hope Church of San Mateo. i'm thrilled!

but it's been super challenging.

while some of my christian studies classes have had us tackle the quesiton "what is church?" i still seem confused most days. building or no building? worship before or after the sermon? communion every sunday, once a month, or prn? these questions, while i may have no say in the matter, have been gnawing at me.

but God is so faithful!

in the last few months, i've had so much information about the church put on a nice platter right in front of me. here are some resources that i've been privileged with:

• in isp training, we talked about church planting movements (CPM). we talked about how to be a part of one and its related responsibilities
• my friend referred me to a blog and he often discusses what it is to be the church and what a Biblical church should look like
• again, in isp we discussed the contextualization of the church. learning about what it takes to facilitate a Biblical, Christ-centered body is heavy; PTL for the Holy Spirit!
• in church, we had a q&a time where the focus question was "what is the Church?"

the list goes on, but i am always amazed at how the Lord provides resources! i'm still freaked out. i don't know if that's from lack of trust in God or because the responsibility is great. nonetheless, i am grateful for the affirmation and the continued training that the Lord is providing.

the Church often talks about God providing things like money, resources, and people. while these things aren't wrong, i wish we would emphasize the Lord's provision of knowledge. as american christians, we are so blessed to have so much knowledge and resources about God all around. but i do pray we wouldn't be gluttons with it as we are so many other things. may we realize that we have been blessed and equipped for a purpose!

freakin out until...

my chosen profession is nursing, but i love politics. i love the system that is policy and procedure making. however, i often get consumed by this system. over the past year, health care reform has shook me. being almost completely immersed in the health care world, i have been disappointed and scared for what my future holds. i've questioned going overseas despite my lack of experience and student loans. i've questioned continuing with nursing in order to pursue a political "career."

however, my naivety and pride have struck me again. i read a blog that convicted my motives and my trust in God. even if you do not feel as affected my this bill as i, i still encourage you read it here.

a blog about nothing

so it hasn't been that long since i blogged last, but i needed to take a break from the never-ending cycle of homework. actually, i only have five tests, four presentations, three papers, and 1.5 clinical hours keeping me from being cindy steiger, bsn. After that, one more fairly large exam keeps me from being cindy steiger, rn. in the scope of things, that ain't too shabby.

during isp last night, we talked about contextualization. dude, i am SO excited to engage in a church planting movement that is contextualized to the culture, but SO scared of the responsibility! i was also convicted that i need to be more intentional about praying for what God has for me in the coming years. maybe i do need to move overseas now. maybe i'll end up in a place that encourages and teaches new grads well. or maybe not.

i guess i'm happy that i still have this beat inside of me that longs to be apart of the global push to tell others about Christ!

i feel as if i've done more NCLEX questions recently than spend time with Jesus. this is not okay, but "my" reality as of now.

i miss facebook. i know, pathetic. it seems as if i have more friend requests when i'm not on than when i am.

my friend has been blogging a lot about living with the things you need and examining her need to thing what she really needs. man, i suck at that. i suck at examining my life (one), weeding out things that have no significance to the Kingdom (two), and keeping those commitments (three).

welp. that's it, really. back to the in-service prep (oh joy).

my cup runneth over

today was, essentially, my last day in the hospital for my preceptorship hours.

i wasn't on my unit today because i scheduled some time with the director and assistant director of surgical services. i did admit one patient while they had a "disciplinary" meeting with a staff member and i loved it! while i missed the IV, it was still amazing to be back in the swing of things.

right before the director and the assistant director clocked out for lunch, someone informed them that one of my preceptors, (the charge nurse), needing to see the director in the lounge. so we moseyed down the hall and entered the lounge full of wonder as to what the charge needed to talk about.


instead of being approached by a serious conversation, we were approached by cake and a card. it was no one's birthday and no one was having a baby. it was for me. silly and awkward nursing student, cindy. words cannot describe how blessed i was by that moment.


and then i read the card. please believe, they were speaking my love language in those moments and with their words!!!

and then the director tells me they will have a job opening in out patient, the unit i worked on, in a couple of months, i.e. by the time i graduate.

REALLY?!?!

it's unlikely that i'll stay down here, but seriously, what a blessing! to be affirmed in something that i have worked so hard for over the last four years brings unspeakable joy!

the best part: i know i could not have done ANY of it without the grace and faithfulness of the Lord. praise HIS name!

poor in spirit

i'm listening to a sermon. the primary text is:

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

essentially, he says that we must realize our brokenness and poor state in light of God, realizing we can do nothing apart from Him.


i don't live like that. i want Jesus alone. i want to constantly cry out to Him to sustain me, to grow me, to stretch me in grace, to draw me to my knees in humility. dangerous? maybe. but what good am i in the kingdom if i don't cry out in dependence like this? how will others see a transformed life if God not doing the transforming?

the past week

i know the week isn't over yet, but just wanted to tell y'all what's been going on:

• i successfully got 5 IVs in one day!!! while i've blown two today and the day before, it is still something to be "proud" of.
• my sister told me she might be fired. holler budget cuts. she asked me if i wanted to go overseas soon. sadly, i have 45,000 reasons keeping me here.
  
• i will finish my capstone hours tomorrow (PTL!)
• i started kaplan monday and feel like i'm gonna poop my pants whenever i think about taking the NCLEX
• i registered to take the board exam!!!
• i received link discussing graduation
  
• after a convicting sermon, i'm praying about singing in church (multiple emotions mixed in this, but any prayer/words of wisdom to be offered are appreciated!)
• i found an old song and cannot get it out of my head (Jesus Lord of Heaven)
• in the aforementioned pursuit, i discovered phil wickman.
• i've had thai food twice, always in great company.
• prayed with some awesome people at clinical

i'm excited for what next week will bring, if God brings another week for me (inshallah). His loving-kindness is too amazing!