just call me josie

(NOTE: this post is being published 2 days early due to lack of internet over the next few weeks)

as in josie grossie from never been kissed. today (1/2), this is officially me. i mean, we had some things in common before:

we are both blondes and look great in pink.

we both have no sense of style.

we both suck at communicating verbally and prefer the written word.

we both have awkward pasts.

we are both big dreamers.

and, as of today, we are both 25 and have never been kissed.

i know, i just compared myself to a fictional character, but truth is truth. i think the best part about this comparison is that i can laugh about it (and i hope you do too). sure, we have similarities, but we have quite a few differences, too. the two major differences: i'm a real person, and i am loved and love the Creator of all. so as this birthday brings some harsh realities to my life, i find a simple and perfect comfort in the sustaining and perfect love of the God of all, my Abba.

2011: addendum

it seems like i missed a few things from my latest blog, so i'd like to take a moment to clarify.

God has made it possible for me to love Him, and i want and long to love Him wholeheartedly, as the psalmist talks about all too often. but i just don't. i am easily distracted by toys, friendships, and my own selfishness. i don't like it and i refuse to waste anymore of this gift of life consumed in things not of Jesus. ok, i know i will fall short of this standard. please believe, i know. but i am resolved to be proactive in this change, relying on the abundant grace of our Lord. 

i desire to dive deep into the depths of God. i have high expectations that He will take me there and that i will feast and be satisfied with Him. 

i have prayed to have certain distractions removed-and God has said no. other distractions i embrace with apathy, not realizing how much they keep me from spending time with the Worthy One. God has said to be content with weakness so that His strength will be revealed. i am easily distracted and i trust in the faithfulness of God to reveal His strength.

i hope this clarifies why i am doing what i am doing this next year. truly, it will be a time of grace, struggle, and joy. i am excited and nervous. moreover, i am overwhelmed with the wonder that God still chooses to love me and mold me, and that He has called me His own.

2011

the new year is fast approaching, and i've spent a lot of time reflecting on this past year and the year to come. again, the Lord has revealed to me my lack of discipline in most areas of life, and my complaining and selfish attitude revealed hyperly in the past six months.

so this year, i want this to be different. i long for things to be different. this year, i want to sit in awe and wonder of this God who loves me deeply. but my longing can only get so far. i need to be intentional. i need to be focused. i need much grace. my hope is that i can enter this new year with a new resolve. this coming year, i long to be truly resolved in my pursuit of God, recognizing that it is only His grace that will allow me to do so.

(before i enter this next section, i want to make a disclaimer. by no means do i think that my actions will earn me more favor with God or bring me salvation. i don't think that doing these things is a requirement for anyone. however, i know that doing them is a part of faith and that the Lord has commanded and required certain things in life. these "goals" are a mere reflection of that.)

Goals for 2011:

• spending increasing amounts of time with the Father daily, including prayer and silence.
• interceding fervently for loved ones and lost ones daily.
• memorizing intetional and "important" sections of scripture consistently.
• reading a book a month.
• fb only on sundays
• reducing the amount of tv i watch to four hours a week (still too much, but i gotta start somewhere)
• fasting weekly

i say none of these things to seek applause or bring glory to myself. in fact, i hope it does the opposite. i am weak. i am useless. but God has chosen me, a fool, to shame the wise. i hope this endeavor will bring much glory to God and much joy to me.

here is some scripture that i hope will continue to encourage and strengthen me through this coming year:

Psalm 86:11

"Teach me your way, O LORD,  that I may walk in your truth; unite my heart to fear your name."

Proverbs 3:5-8

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones."

Philippians 1:27, 29

"Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ...For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake"

Philippians 3:8

"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord..."

Philippians 4:8

"...whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

to God be the glory!

yay!

I'm excited about my next 2 blog posts. So i excited that i had to blog about it!

One of them i've been thinking about for a couple of months. Ha, makes me laugh to think of it.
The other has only been in process for a few weeks, but is more exciting than the previous.


So there you go. Happy waiting.

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sobering experience

yesterday at work, i was on the ICU step down unit and i had 2 patients, which was really nice because it wasn't technically a full load. i didn't even have to do an admission, either. i had a post-op pt and a pt i had cared for a few weeks previously. his condition had deteriorated severely and it was quite shocking to see his decline. the gentleman had liver disease and was dying slowly. he had multiple infections, hypothermia, low blood pressure, and multi-organ failure. his breathing was labored probably due to ineffective gas exchange. he could not communicate because of the encephalopathy. despite all of this, the family still wanted all measures taken to resuscitate him should his heart stop or airway fail. i don't judge them for their decision; it's just hard to see a person actively dying and denial and fear regarding the inevitable.

my other patient had bladder cancer and had an operation that would change his life. his pain had been uncontrolled for days, but on my shift, through the hard work of nurses before me, his pain was adequately controlled. the wife was stressed out about all that was going on, and rightfully so to some extent. but she had a cross on, so i knew i had an easy in to a spiritual conversation. so, i asked if i could pray for them. they eagerly accepted. while they think i may have touched them by praying, truly i was the one who was blessed. i all too often forget that in and of myself, i cannot fix my patients. sure, i can help control their pain and give them tools to help cope with various aliments, but, really, they need to be fixed spiritually, and i have no real control over that. all i can do is love on them and show them Jesus in whatever way i can. 

(side note: the wife pulled me aside later and told me she used to be jewish; now she is a messianic jew. i thought i might freak her out if i told her i was a gentile for jews for Jesus, so i refrained; however, it still made my day!).

i helped out with another patient. this woman had been in and out of the hospital for years. while i don't know her full story, i know that she is paralyzed from the waste down, was expressively aphasic, and recently broke her leg, causing excruciating pain. she was probably my height, but weighed 100lbs; it took little strength to turn and reposition her. my heart broke for this woman who was, in the true sense of the word, helpless. i did not take the opportunity to pray for her, and i can honestly say i regret it fully. she needed hope and needed to know that there was someOne who could help her more than she could ever help herself.

to say the least, work has been holistically challenging. but i am glad for it. my pride is squashed over and over again, and my selfishness is made evident. while nurses are often proud and haughty, it seems wrong on so many levels. we should be moved by the difficulties that we are privy to. our class verse in nursing school was micah 6:8, "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" may this be the theology that guides my nursing practice. may i learn to do justice, to love and act kindly, and to walk in humility with the Father as i have the honor of serving people.

calm before the storm

that was this weekend. i was blessed to hang out with so many dear friends and hear about how God is using them and teaching them, as well as sharing what is going on with the craziness called my life. while busy, it was a time of rest and rejuvenation and love.

but i think the storm is coming.

in the next three weeks, i have some major life events happening:

• i start working nights in 2 weeks. that's right, the girl who used to get up at 4:30am and have to be told to go back to bed by her parents has been assigned nights. i'll be working 7:30pm-8:00am, (feel free to text me). the benefit to this shift is that when i go asia, i won't have to adjust to the time difference.
• in 3 weeks, i start functioning independently as an rn. this is scary. while i've been functioning as an rn for the past four-ish months, i've always had a mentor to go to that was forced to help me. once i'm on my own, that person won't be there and i'll have to be more assertive than i'm forced to be now. a stretching experience to be sure.
• in 2 weeks, i turn 25 (aka old). a lot of reality is hitting me with this birthday and i'm not sure how to take it. but i am grateful to the Lord for the past year where i was able to plunge into the depths of Him. and i pray for another.
• in 13 days, i move out of the house i have called home for my entire life. i am excited beyond belief, but part of me is mourning the loss.....of something. i will miss my mom cooking for me when i get home from a bad day at work, or processing with her, and i will miss the simplicity that is living with my parents. (this has been a new development, so i still have more to process).
• the issue i thought had been resolved is not entirely so. i'm dreading the conversations to come in the next few weeks that will hopefully bring clarity to this crazy situation, but will probably create new awkwardness. i pray, more than anything, that God would receive glory from what i hope will be my quiet submission to His plan.

 it seems like there's a lot more that will be happening. i guess i just feel overwhelmed with all that's going on. i have a lot to process, but it seems like i don't have time (or the appropriate outlet) to process it all. i hope that i can do more than simply survive the coming weeks; i  hope i will be able to savor this precious gift called life.

a vague resolution

I just received some resolution on one major issue thats been bugging me for a couple of months.

I had a feeling things would swing this way, and i thought i'd be really upset.

But i'm not. I'm relieved.

Maybe that will change. (I'm sure that will change.) But for now, praise Jesus that this resolution has come and this prayer has been answered!

Oh yea, and uh, this blog is the vague part, not the resolution itself.

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#300

it's been almost 3 years since i started blogging. this blog marks my 300th post.

dang.

i know people blog multiple times a day and have way  more interesting things to say than me, and i know others think that blogging is a waste of time. but i am grateful for blogging (and my friends who put up with it!).

in reviewing some of my past blogs, here's what i've learned about myself:

• i am a selfish, spoiled child. i know what i want and i expect to get what i want. when it doesn't happen, i mope. in this past season of life, i know God isn't giving me what i want 1)to reveal His perfect timing and 2)to break me of this brat-syndrome. 
• i am a controll freak! i have a plan and i will do whatever i can to see it through. it's a disease, really. i know that God has broken me of control in certain ways, but i still have a long way to go in other things.
• i have amazing friends! again and again, i see how the Lord has blessed me with godly friendships so that we might sharpen each other for the kingdom. i am always blown away that God will give me such amazing friends!
• i am stupid. again and again and again, the Lord has proved faithful in my life. and over and over and over again i think trusting in my plan is a good idea. really? sounds like proverbs 26:11 to me.

these are just a few observations and i'm sure there are tons more, but i guess those will come out in blogs to come...

grace in weakness

The past 3 days have been the most difficult work days of my life. During that time, my prayer was fvor God to get me out of the situation i felt thrown in. I felt like a failure; and honestly, still do. I dread going to work this morning.

But then i read 2 cor. 12:1-10, specifically 7-10. No, i have had no special revelation, but i do become proud so easily. How the Lord hit me over the head this am! I may plead to remove trials and difficulties that i face, but He is using them to make me more like Jesus!

Today, i am weak. I am tired, i am anxious, i am a failure.

But today, i see that the Lord has allow such definitions of myself in order to reveal His strength and glorify Himself! Praise be to God, for using such a sinner for His purpose!

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