needing some perspective

today started out great. but by 1630 (or 4:30pm) i was over it. in fact, i was pissed off and in tears. essentially, my preceptor told me that my work wasn't professional and that i was not properly advocating for my patients because i wasn't assertive enough. 

thoroughly crush, i walked quickly to my car, called a nurse-friend, and balled. i know i am not aggressive, but does that mean i'm not assertive? 

aggressive: 

characterized by or tending toward unprovoked offensives, attacks, invasions, or the like; 

militantly forward or menacing

assertive:

confidently aggressive or self-assured; positive

 

 

so occording to dictionary.com, aggressive and assertive are too different things. and i don't think i'm either of them. i am not aggressive. i never want to be. it is not Christ like.

 

 

but i think i can be assertive and still display Christ. it says, "positive," and "confidently aggressive." but i know this is what i truly lack in my nursing-confidence. but i'm okay with that. i've only been on this unit seven days and performing patient care for three of those days. i had two patients on the step-down unit and i had to perform tasks and advocate for patients in ways i haven't had to yet. so no, i'm going to be confident. 

 

but dearest preceptor, would you give me a chance? could you let me prove to you that you don't have to be....well, uh, a bitch.....to advocate well for your patient?  

 

 

sigh. 

christmas joy

there are a few things i love about christmas.

well, actually just one.

it's a day to celebrate Jesus Christ. now, i know i can celebrate Him everyday, (and i hope i do, at least to some extent), but i love a day that is set apart, (holy, if you will), in which we collectively come together to remember the birth of the God-Man, the only Savior of the world.

i know, Jesus was mostly likely born in august or a summer month; he wasn't born in a stable; His birth was neither sterile nor romantic; there were no pine trees or scented candles. but this day we call christmas, is a day to celebrate and honor the expected Messiah, the Savior. it is a day to celebrate God's matchless grace and perfect love poured out onto His creation.

so with eager expectation to celebrate Him and to remember the love, justice, and grace of God, i embrace the month of december. yes, there will be moments where i am frustrated with the materialism and there will be times when i'll get heated about the lack of focus on Christ; forgive me ahead of time, please. but the reality is, i can't wait to worship and reflect with the body of Christ on our Cornerstone!

christmas vomit

this is what i've decided to coin as the term for this commercialized madness called "the holiday season." so many people say how much they LOVE christmas, but what is it that they really love? the lights? the over-indulgence in the same meal you over-ate last year? the need to out-gift your sibbling? i don't get it.

so here's my list of the top 5 things 

i hate about "the holiday season":

5.) the food. i know, it's a shocker that this is something i don't like about this time of year. but i just don't. what's so great about turkey? and why must it always be served with mashed potatoes and gravy? i really don't think that's what the pilgrams ate. or joseph and mary, for that matter.

4.) christmas music.

why do stores and radio stations feel compelled to play christmas music from thanksgiving to new year's? i truly think this is why suicide rates are higher during the holidays; people go crazy with all of the horrible christmas music! yes, music that actually reflects what christmas is about, is truly wonderful, but it is rarely heard.

3.) the decorations.

i mean, why? where did this tradition start? what is the significance of hanging strands of mini-lights from your house and putting ghastly, (and often scary), snow creatures on your lawn? oh, oh! and let's cut down trees each year so that we can have temporal enjoyment. i just don't seem to be able to understand how multiple fire hazards and a high electric bill are beneficial.

2.) christmas-themed...

...well, anything that has a christmas "theme." why do i need to have scrubs with christmas trees on them? or why do i feel pressured to have my "everyday" travel mug and then my christmas travel mug? these things collect dust all year except for the 1.5 months i break 'em out. functionality has lost it's essence in our society; it is about looking good, matching, and "celebrating the season."

1.) the shopping.

it seems so strange to me that we would spend so much money trying to earn favor with others. i know, i try to earn favor in other ways (and this way, too), but one day out of the year? so much money is spent on things that are never used or never worn. and why is it that we buy such expensive things this time of the year? is february not a sufficient month to buy a tv? the act of shopping from november to december is stressful in and of itself. lines are long, parking lots are a madhouse, and the only thing i've been able to find are christmas-themed gifts. (oh yea, that's useful in real life). truly, this is my least favorite aspect of "the holiday season" because of it's ultimately rooted in materialism. this is something i battle without assistance from a full, frontal-attack during a time that i want to be celebrating Jesus the Christ.

yes, this was a rant. but isn't it true? at least some of it? i'm not trying to get all linus on y'all, but i after the past few days i needed to share this. and please believe, i don't hate everything about christmas. i will blog on things i really enjoy and cherish soon. but, until next time...

listening to....country!??!

those of you who know me know that i really dislike country. and i think that's one of the reasons i didn't like this band when i first heard them. a little too much twang for me.

but in all honesty, their lyrics rock my world. i'm even going to one of their concerts in december (i hope). here's one song that's been rocking me world:

(needtobreathe, valley of tomorrow)

I am a troubled mind, I am a calloused heart
A failing engine from driving way too hard
Trying way too hard
I pulled a 38 out of my bleeding heart
I killed my selfishness for bringing me this far
This far away from you

When the daylight breaks through the buildings of Chicago
I will stand alone in the valley of tomorrow

Oh, this is the way I wanna go down
(This is the last time) I'm starting over with you
This is the way I wanna go out

I never second-guesssed the little voice I heard
It's just a whisper, that sounded like a scream
I aint never felt so free

When the daylight breaks through the buildings of Chicago
I will stand alone in the valley of tomorrow

Oh, this is the way I wanna go down
(This is the last time) I'm starting over with you
This is the way I wanna go out
(This is the last time) I'm starting over with you

I never second-guesssed the little voice I heard
It's just a whisper 

 can i please kill my selfishness? can i please learn to love like i was a child? can i please learn to live in light of the miraculous event on calvary? can i please learn to gaze upon the Christ will constant wonder and worship? can i please have the discipline to live in the light of Jesus and not my circumstances?

movies

I really like movies. I can quote or reference a movie fvor almost any circumstance (kinda like tony denozo from NCIS). Anyway, since i've started working full time, i havent had the energy or desire to watch movies, (i know, kinda scary).

So, for the first time in months, i spent this weekend watching movies. 4 to be exact.

Movie#1: harry potter 7.1. Um, dude. Legit.

Movie #2: while you were sleeping. Classic. Sandra and bill at their best.

Movie #3: robin hood. The one with russell crowe? People kinda hated on it, but it was good! Loved the female character! Way to stay strong, Marian!

Movie#4: a christmas carol. The new disney animated one. I have nothing to say just yet cause i havent finished it.


I admit movie watching in this extreme isnt good. this weekend alone i spent about 8 intential hrs on something not eternal.

And that needs to change.

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verbal communcation

i'm horrible at it.

let's be honest, most of my conversations involve clarifying questions from the reciprocating party. i've taken at least 2 communication classes, but for some reason, i cannot master the art of proper verbal communication. i rarely seem to be able to say what i'm really trying to communicate. i kinda feel like meg ryan in you've got mail when she can't find the words to tell off tom hanks. (were you thinking that too, kimber?)

so i've decided that i perfer written communication. i'd make a good expressive aphasic. i'd rather read a book than watch tv. i'd rather write a letter or email than talk on the phone. i mean, if you call me, i'll enjoy it; i just won't be able to fully communicate what i want to say. 

yea, i'm strange. i admit it.

job update

so most of you know, but i think it's best to tie up this loose end.

on wednesday, i found out that i will be moving to tcu/tele on monday, (yep, in 2 days). the tele unit is for heart monitoring and is more acute than the typical med-surg unit because all the patients are on heart monitors. tcu is an icu step-down unit, so we get people after they've had open heart surgeries, unstable angina, etc. basically, it's WAY more acute than the kind of nursing i've been doing the past few months.

i have a lot of mixed feelings. i am freakin' excited! i mean, i was hoping to transfer here eventually anyway. the Lord is gracious and decided to put me there now. and that's the part that makes me nervous. i haven't had to interpret heart rhythms or give iv meds or give high-risk medications in almost a year. i honestly don't remember much. but i have prayed often in the past few months that the Lord wouldn't allow me to be comfortable, and He has been faithful to answer that prayer. 

so i enter the next few months with thankfulness and humility, learning once again what it is to rely on the Lord's strength.