my residents

i know that diane has recently posted a similar blog and this is in no way meant to copy her in a hurry before my residents get mad, but seriously, what a blessing are my residents?!?

i went into this school year wondering how it was going to top last year-i mean what could beat 2D? i had no idea what to expect, except that God is amazing and was going to do something amazing, (even if it didn't seem like it to me at any given moment).

i will admit that i have struggled this year with being an ra and having to be intentional and having to fight my selfish tendencies, but hope that i have grown and learn through the circumstances and will continue to do so, (cause, shoot, we still got 2 months together :)).

my residents challenge me to be more like Christ. who could ask for anything more? they challenge me to love, to be transparent, to hold my tongue, to be intentional no matter what the circumstances of the day has brought. while i have other people in my life who do this, it's almost like i should expect this kind of behavior from them, but how overwhelmed i am to have found it in my residents. now don't get me wrong, 2D was amazing and my girls from that year are amazing and i still love them, but something is different about this year. that's all, just different.

to you ladies, i bid my thanks; a more gracious and deeper thanks than you may know. love you!

just a quicky

i'm taking a quick study break and eating a yummy apple and some no-salt added, organic peanut butter (yum!). this week has been crazy, but it seems as if there is so much to blog about. hopefully tomorrow or the day after i will have some time to blog. i have three tests tomorrow. pray in the areas of prep and recall for those would be much appreciated.

class again

i'm in class again and learning about anti-hypertensives and i've been working on a paper for the past hour. good golly how far i have digressed over the past four years! common, i mean, teachers totally know we text and do other work in class. we are not as sly as we think.

on a more positive note, my mom and sister are her and i am totally stoked. the agenda: orientation, dinner at el torito (holler), class tomorrow, and then DISNEYLAND!

class is over. peace out.

oh, i almost forgot...

...i forgot to mention that i just discovered an addiction. sadly not for God, but for coffee. yes, i tried not to drink it today and i was so cranky! anyone know a good remedy for breaking a coffee addiction?

some clarity.....potentially

if you are a frequent visitor to this blog you will have read the last blog and read some of my recent distress. i don't think the "situation" has completely resolved, but i definitely feel clarity approaching. it's like i've been seeing fuzzy for the past week or so, (maybe even my whole life), and finally i'm getting some specs in order to see the world in the right perspective. i don't think the specs are quite the right prescription, but soon. i would appreciate prayer in this area. i so desire to follow Christ in a true way, but it's crazy to think that i haven't been. that my focus has been on other things, such worldly gross things for so long. anyway. again, all of this may seem so random, but that's just what it is.

i still earnestly pray that i would have a deeper horror of sin and its approach as wells as of holiness in all aspects of all. Also, i long for a sweeter time in His word and with Him. oh, i desire that Christ alone be seen in me; i have so far to go.

confused

i don't really know where to start, so please forgive the randomness of this blog. also, some of this may seem random, but hopefully not scary. i don't write this to seek sympathy or pity, but simply as meg ryan said in you've got mail, to send it into the virtual abyss.

as many of you know, i've been listening to a lot of paul washer and been learning a lot about what it means to be a follower of Christ. i am not saved simply from my sin, but saved from the wrath of God by the mighty work of Christ on the cross and it was God who crushed Jesus on that cross, not the work of men, (although their infliction of pain and torture is not to be tossed out with the bathwater). in one of the sermon series i was listening to on genuine salvation, i was struck that i may be simply living a moral life, not one truly transformed by Christ. this rocked my world! i group up in the church and i thought that i understood repentance, especially over the past month or so, but really, i sin. i don't mean like an occasional sin, but i feel as if sin consumes my life still and that so much of this life i call mine is given over to self-striving. i don't know if i know what it is to trust God with everything? what does that look like? what does that feel like? i'm not one for feelings, but i think that's where i've gone astray. i have made Christ and His law and commandments a ritual, not a joy and privilege. i remember a time when reading the Word was all i wanted and what i loved. i feel like i have given into the world and its lies that there is something better than the Almighty.

here is the crux of my struggle: have i been in Christ and just backdslidden in the recent months because of busy-ness and selfishness, or have i never been in Christ and just lead a good, moral and legalistic life?

i've never had more of a burden than during these past four days or so.

one of my residence showed me a book of puritan prayers and they have rocked me. this is my cry.

The Deeps

Lord Jesus, give me a deeper repentance, a horror of sin, a dread of its approach. Help me chastely to flee it and jealously to resolve that my heart shall be Thine alone.

Give me a deeper trust, that I may lose myself to find myself in Thee, the ground of my rest, the spring of my being. Give me a deeper knowledge of Thyself as saviour, master, lord, and king. Give me deeper power in private prayer, more sweetness in Thy Word, more steadfast grip on its truth. Give me deeper holiness in speech, thought, action, and let me not seek moral virtue apart from Thee.

Plough deep in me, great Lord, heavenly husbandman, that my being may be a tilled field, the roots of grace spreading far and wide, until Thou alone art seen in me, Thy beauty golden like summer harvest, Thy fruitfulness as autumn plenty.

I have no master but Thee, no law but Thy will, no delight but Thyself, no wealth but that Thou givest, no good but that Thou blessest, no peace but that Thou bestowest. I am nothing but that Thou makest me. I have nothing but that I receive from Thee. I can be nothing but that grace adorns me. Quarry me deep, dear Lord, and then fill me to overflowing with living water.

India

today i watched born into brothels. oh how my heart longs to be back in india! i miss the smell of incense and trash, the noise of the honking horns all of the time, and even the crazy heat. i miss the chance to learn a language so different from my own. actually i miss just being a learning in the flow of life rather than as a necessity and something that i pay for.

i can't even explain what goes on inside of me when i think of india; excitement, love, extreme sadness, fear. how can all of these be rolled into one and associated with such joy? most days i would rather be living there, no matter how many hardships and times of loneliness await. i hope it's because i know the glory of God is ultimate and making His name known will ultimately be greater; maybe i just want a life that i want.

i know that school is a blessing and i should be grateful for the opportunity to have an education, but some days, in fact most days lately, i hate school. i don't know if it's because my mind is consumed in other things, but all i can think about is the future-this summer, next semester, but the best thoughts come when my mind is on post-grad with loans paid, living in india and bringing basic nursing care to the people and loving the Almighty! oh, God, can i go now?

friendship (again)

super tuesday has come and gone. clinton one ca and i for one am shocked, but it was close. mccain's win in ca also surprising, however, i am glad that romney didn't win.

what brings me a-bloggin' this evenin' is friend stuff. lo, i really appreciated what you said about friendship being contrary to our nature and i am so down with that. but i just need to know, why do friendhships suck sometimes???? why am i suck friend???? what possess me to be a suck friend???? and for that matter, what makes others to be suck friends???? (yes, i'm putting blame on others, no matter how "un-christian" that is!!!)

i know i know. i am just really mad. no, pissed. i want to understand why things can't get resolved or why we, those who claim to be in Christ, don't resolve things? we just pretend like nothing is wrong and go on with our lives knowing very well that something is wrong and all parties involved know it!!!! do we really think it's easier to just let things hang by a wet thread and wait for the one moment, the one circumstance for it to snap and everything to be destroyed?!? what the crap are we so afraid of!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! rather, what the crap am I so afraid of??!??!?!?!?!?

AHHHHH! i feel like blogging wouldn't be necessary if i lived in the woods and i could walk around and scream and detox.

i know i am just blowing off steam, but really, i mean what i say in many degrees. this is one of those times i just want to swear.

class

i'm in class and feel scandalous for blogging during class.

that is all.

pedi

i had my first pedicure a little over a month ago. i never really liked the thought of someone touching my feet or looking at my nails. i mean, they are quite disgusting. but finally i caved in and for my birthday my sister took me to get a pedicure. it was amazing!
but it's been a month and i needed another pedicure. i struggled with getting another one since i just bought a plane ticket home and honestly, have very little money in my bank account. but my nails look BAD! but there was more than just a monetary issue here for me. i have a serious moral issue with getting a pedicure. i mean, i'm paying someone to touch my feet. in "Bible times" it was a disgrace to touch people's feet and even in some cultures today feet are still a sign of disrespect. i know this is america and feet aren't disrespectful here, but most of the people doing the pedicures are not american by heritage (not to be racist or stereotypical), but it seems that maybe that is disrespectful to them. that's another thing! why is it ALWAYS the asian ladies doing people's nails??? do white ladies think they are too good?

anyway, i struggle with these things when i get my pedi....well, the two times i've gotten a pedi. i got it anyway and ended up with cute flowers on my toes, (for $8 more). i'd love to hear thoughts.