confused

i don't really know where to start, so please forgive the randomness of this blog. also, some of this may seem random, but hopefully not scary. i don't write this to seek sympathy or pity, but simply as meg ryan said in you've got mail, to send it into the virtual abyss.

as many of you know, i've been listening to a lot of paul washer and been learning a lot about what it means to be a follower of Christ. i am not saved simply from my sin, but saved from the wrath of God by the mighty work of Christ on the cross and it was God who crushed Jesus on that cross, not the work of men, (although their infliction of pain and torture is not to be tossed out with the bathwater). in one of the sermon series i was listening to on genuine salvation, i was struck that i may be simply living a moral life, not one truly transformed by Christ. this rocked my world! i group up in the church and i thought that i understood repentance, especially over the past month or so, but really, i sin. i don't mean like an occasional sin, but i feel as if sin consumes my life still and that so much of this life i call mine is given over to self-striving. i don't know if i know what it is to trust God with everything? what does that look like? what does that feel like? i'm not one for feelings, but i think that's where i've gone astray. i have made Christ and His law and commandments a ritual, not a joy and privilege. i remember a time when reading the Word was all i wanted and what i loved. i feel like i have given into the world and its lies that there is something better than the Almighty.

here is the crux of my struggle: have i been in Christ and just backdslidden in the recent months because of busy-ness and selfishness, or have i never been in Christ and just lead a good, moral and legalistic life?

i've never had more of a burden than during these past four days or so.

one of my residence showed me a book of puritan prayers and they have rocked me. this is my cry.

The Deeps

Lord Jesus, give me a deeper repentance, a horror of sin, a dread of its approach. Help me chastely to flee it and jealously to resolve that my heart shall be Thine alone.

Give me a deeper trust, that I may lose myself to find myself in Thee, the ground of my rest, the spring of my being. Give me a deeper knowledge of Thyself as saviour, master, lord, and king. Give me deeper power in private prayer, more sweetness in Thy Word, more steadfast grip on its truth. Give me deeper holiness in speech, thought, action, and let me not seek moral virtue apart from Thee.

Plough deep in me, great Lord, heavenly husbandman, that my being may be a tilled field, the roots of grace spreading far and wide, until Thou alone art seen in me, Thy beauty golden like summer harvest, Thy fruitfulness as autumn plenty.

I have no master but Thee, no law but Thy will, no delight but Thyself, no wealth but that Thou givest, no good but that Thou blessest, no peace but that Thou bestowest. I am nothing but that Thou makest me. I have nothing but that I receive from Thee. I can be nothing but that grace adorns me. Quarry me deep, dear Lord, and then fill me to overflowing with living water.