oswald

My utmost for his highest has been rockin my world especially these past few days. Its been about "calling." I encourage you to read them. If you dont have the book, just search the forementioned title. It's worth your time.

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October Pre-Thoughts

ya know, it's kinda like a pre-test. only there's no test, really. the month of october is gonnna busy. i have three weddings to go to in the southern part of the state, i'm going to a work/outreach day in sacramento, i will start functioning essentially independently at work, and hope will "launch." (please believe, there's lots to be done on this front). so i wanted to give a few pre-thoughts. i will re-assess october once it's already happened.

while excitement and joy surround this month, i enter it with some apprehension.

after being out of town for a mere two weekends in a row, i was real tired at work and it was hard to engage there. i'm nervous i'll make a serious med error or get fired or something. oh well, ke garne? 

i'm also nervous because of all of the weddings. don't get me wrong, i'm so excited for my friends who are tying the knot, but i just get weird when during "wedding season." in all honesty, i loose focus on Christ and i begin to wonder what it would be to be married. (kimber, i hear you now, "marriage isn't unbiblical! and to think about it isn't, either!" yes, i know, but it's the distraction that i can't stand). i loathe being single during those times and time praying is spent praying for me and my "needs" instead of those who really need it. so as i was reading irresistabl revolution, shane reminded me of something simple. Jesus was single. dude, all of my praying to be "more like Jesus" i guess is paying off. so i pray and earnestly hope, that i would remember this and would rejoice!

it also seems like i'm spending so much money. and as the end of october approaches, so does the end of the grace period for loans. money is something i suck at, but i'm looking forward to what it is to learn to be a good, faithful, and giving steward.

that's all for now. looking forward to the post-october thoughts.

shane rocks my world!

ok, really its Jesus but this section of irresitible revolution reonates me with INTENSLY!

"in my suburban comfort, i increasingly felt disturbed by God. i became very uncomfortable with the suburbs. the beautiful thing was my discomfort arose not from a cynical judgmentalism but from a longing for something more. i did not want to settle for comfort. i did not want to settle for a life detached from the groanings of the slums or the beauty of playing in open firehydrants and having block parties in the inner city...the more i read the Bible, the more i felt my comfortable life interrupted."

p. 107

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embrace the inner feel-er

this is a shout-out to my thinker friend. we are the two thinkers of our group of friends and we pride ourselves on our ability to rationalize and reason through circustances and situations.

well, you know what they say about pride....

i've blogged about this topic a lot this summer, but it is so foreign to me, that i don't know what else to do. but i'm embracing the feeling part of me-i think.  today on my way to work, i was singing along to Jesus paid it all. i paused for a minute and then my heart overflowed with love and worship for this mighty Savior. do we really get this? Jesus- God-incarnate-became like us-sinful, wicked, disgusting people-to bare God's wrath for my sins that i might be reunited with God; that many would be reunited with God; that we may spend everything in worship to the One who is worthy. i couldn't help but cry with utter indescribablity!

when faced with the reality of who i am before this Beautiful, Mighty God, how can i not have an emotional response? and then, when i think about how much this God loves His creation and His glory that He redeemed us, how can i not weep?

so i am embracing my inner feel-er. kimber, i think you should too

update....

kinda. i have 5 minutes before i have to leave for work. the people i process things with are asleep or already doing stuff.

a lot has happened since september 8th, my last blog post. i got a new phone, i have been to redding and riverside, i've begun seriously praying about being an or nurse, and God has continued to challenge me in ways that i can't even understand most days.

i started reading irresistible revolution by shane claiborne. my friends cautioned me about reading it, but i don't really see why. yes, he doesn't outright say he shares the gospel with the people he encounters, but in the early chapters he talks about the transformaitonal power of the gospel, so why wouldn't he share it? anyway, after the chapter about india, i almost hopped of my current flight and bought a ticket to india. then God reminded me of my finicial and other responsibilities here. in all honesty, my thought ways, "damn! i just want to go!!!!"

then shane said that mother teresa said, "find your calcutta." kinda cheese-ball, but for sure true. where are people suffering around me? everywhere. why have i not been engaging them? because you have gotten to comfortable. then why don't i just move to the streets and love people as Christ did? because you are afraid.

i hate that i live my life in fear. the Spirit of God lives in me! what do i have to fear?

so a friend challanged me last night. why do i feel i must live in san mateo? God has given me a job in a very lost city. why am i not engaging the people i see everyday? this is my struggle. i'm praying through a lot of aspects and rammifications of this notion. would you pray with me? would you pray that the distractions of this world and my own heart wouldn't blind me from where God would have me engage a lost and hurting world?

more blogs to come. but first, 8 hours with men who hit on me. word.

too much thinking

i have a tendency to think too much. i know, i know....it's truth though.



lately i've been thinking why me God? whyy did you choose to save me? why did you protect me so much? why have you kept me from experiencing certain things in life? why do you have me where i am now? why do i forget to worship you and preach of you so much? why am i going through this now....?



i am grateful of the Scriptures that keep me from dwellinmg here too long.

while often over-quoted, it is still very powerful.

psalm73. check it out.



the most quoted part brings me joy and peace in a mighty and loving God:
nevertheless i am continually with you. you hold my right hand you guide me with your counsel and afterward receive me to glory. whom have i in heaven but you? there is nothing on earth i desire but you. my heart and my flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.


amen.

the radical experiment

i don't write this blog to please men or make myself look spiritual. i write this blog for two reasons: 1)for accountability and prayer as i commit to this "experiment" and 2)as a sort of ebeneezer, that i might look back and remember the faithfulness of God.

i'm almost finished with radical, but i couldn't sit still anymore because i was so excited about what dr. platt offers in the last chapter.

his proposal, in short: spend the next year of your life living radically for Christ by doing 5 things.

1.  pray for the entire world

2. read through the entire scripture

3. sacrfice your money for a specific purpose

4. spend your time in another context

5. commit your life to multiplying community

this is no formula. it's simply living in the reality of Christ.

and it doesn't really seem all that radical, does it? read the scriptures, pray, go, make disciples. isn't this what Christ has commanded us to do anyway? so this year, a year that will be incredibly difficult and distracting as i continue to gain understanding of nursing, am part of a church plant, am constantly desiring to go, have family-ish always, and as life simply happens, i commit to live "radically" for the cause of Christ.

God, i am filled with excitement that You have provided such an "experiment" that You might prove Your faithfulness and continue to foster in me a deep love for You. i know this year will not be perfect in the world's eyes, but i know You are molding me into the image of Your Son. thank You!!! i know that i have granted the joy of not only believing on You, Jesus, but also to suffer for You. Lord, grant me abundant grace to live obediently through all circumstances!

kidneys, pho, and water

i know i said i wouldn't blog everyday, but today was too amazing to not tell y'all. if you love the nations, you will probs love this post.

kidneys

today, i was on a hemodialysis unit. hemodialysis is the process of mechanically/electronically filtering through waste products in the blood because someone's kidneys can't do it for themselves. it's a pretty bomb process. my nurse was a bit late to get started, so i missed out on what was happening initially. but overall, she was an amazing teacher and i learned tons about the process. i really enjoyed being with the patients, as well. praying about how this could be used overseas and if it would be wise to specialize in it.

pho

i love pho. if i could it eat it everyday, i would. all the nurses i worked with today were asian, minus one. they were chinese, vietnamese, and filipina. there was a meeting in the morning, and as everyone gathered in the break room, the food started to come out of nowhere. my nurse had bread, but she took out at least five pieces. once they had finished toasting, she laid them out on the table, took one, and started to lather it in the salmon spread another nurse had brought. other nurses followed in suit. fruit was being cut and placed on plates, coffee was being poured for one another, and, most importantly, laughter was happening. LOVE. at lunch, a nurse full on made pho. yep, just in the break room. another nurse put the finishing touches on dumplings and more fruit was cut. the nurse who had made pho said, "it's like a market place in here. we are so loud." LOVE. like, i would want to work on this unit just so i could feel like i was in another country every day!

water

the main tech took time to explain the filtration process to me. he reminded me that those who have chronic renal failure aren't able to drink a lot of water or any kind of liquid really, because they can't excrete it. he said over the weekend, (two days without dialysis), they only recommend that 500ml of liquid be consumed. i usually drink 1000-2000ml a day. oh my goodness! this totally explained why so many patients were licking their lips and coughing. dry throat much?

but then God was good to remind me of Himself. in john 4, Jesus says He is able to give a woman living water. she eagerly asks how she can receive this living water. i want these patients suffering from lack of physical water to know the source of living water. while i am saddened for them because they are limited in their amount of oral intake, i ache that most do not know of the living water.

or that they haven't really ever heard about it.

kim novak

apparently, i look like her.

really? are you sure?

i just don't see the resemblance. (and tyra would probably say i need to look more fierce.)

***

i was on a different wing today. and today, i was labeled as "the tall blonde." most of the patients have learned my name as "cynthia," but they still seem to simply call me "the tall blonde."

one patient said, "wow, your blonde. you look kinda like that one person....uh.....kim novak! yea." his roommate replies, " (insert patient name), she's dead." great; i look like a dead actress who was hitchcock films.

today, i was hit on, grabbed, and called kim novak. today, i passed over 50 meds, changed dressings, and requested to be on this floor. despite the inappropriate actions of some of the patients, i can't wait to work with this team. God continues to provide faithful in this opportunity to work where i am. i'm excited to form relationships and be able to display Christ through my weaknesses, through working with integrity and excellence, and through loving those who are hard to love.

sexual harassment?

today was by far my favorite day at work thus far. i got to follow an rn, pass some meds, and meet lots of people! my kinda day for sheez.

here are some highlights (or lowlights, depending on your sense of humor):

• my nurse is amazing! she explained everything, and was in general a fantastic nurse! she has both a serious and funny side, so i think we're gonna get along just fine! tomorrow, she said i could care for a patient fully on my own!!!!
• one of the patients today has dementia. he asked me if bingo was today, then if the orgy was later that day. verbal reaction: no. in-my-head reaction: EXCUSE ME!?!?! later, he asked me to give him mouth-to-mouth. verbal reaction: no. in-my-head reaction: HELL NO!!!!
• while charting in the hall, a patient strolled by in his hip wheelchair. i smile and said good morning. his response: "hey there, beautiful." while that's fact, i was still taken off guard.
• two family members today addressed me as nurse, to which i responded, "yes? how can i help you?' i'm a real-live nurse!!!
• i saw a guys wound get changed. i wish i could share more, but i can't. essentially his skin was in need of a dressing change from his knee to the toes. i had to leave the room because i almost passed out from the smell.
• one of my patients is receiving over 1000mg of morphine as ordered! this does not include the over 1000mg he has prn (as needed). (just in case you were wondering, that's a lot of morphine!)
• there's this one patient who has a great sense of humor. i was helping him with his meds and i spilt some water on his shirt and he proceeded to give me a bad time. no problem; my bad. as i'm leaving the room, he calls out, "hey, you've gotta nice ass." alrighty then.

so there you have it. 


eat your heart out betsy.