quote

yesterday in class my prof was telling a story and said "i didn't know you could google the devil?"

the day before another prof was so good as to remind us that girl scout cookies have no calories.


this is one of the many reasons why i love nursing.

officially an old lady

i am officially an old lady.

today on the plane there were crying babies. i mean, people common, give them some benedryl! or go to yuor doctor and get a mild sedative, i'm sure he would be more than happy to do it. seriously, no body likes a crying baby.

this and the fact that i like brussel sprouts makes me old.

the Gospel

the gospel of Christ is something that i thought i had mastered since i had been a christian for what i thought to be 15 years. but as God continues to reveal Himself to me, i learn how ignorant and silly i am. the gospel is not a cherry on the top of my happy ice cream sundae of a life. for from it; the reality of the Gospel should whip away my ice cream sundae and its dish altogether, replacing it with a new dish and new ice cream. Christ is everything; to make Him anything less is heresy.

at church on sunday, my pastor started preaching the gospel beginning with sin. i thought, okay, i guess it doesn't matter where you start, as long as he gets to the point of God, right? (i've been trying not to be as cynical and proud during sermons...) oh, but so sadly did that sermon digress from the true gospel and by the end, i did not know what Jesus he was talking about. the prosperity gospel was being preached and my heart was so angry! how dare he! how dare he continue in the lie of the prosperity gospel on the sunday when he has the opportunity to tell so many who never hear the truth about this glorious Gospel! how dare the power be taken out of the work of Jesus!

now my heart just aches. will those people ever hear the truth? will they ever know that Jesus is more than just an additive to their lives? will they ever know that Jesus is greater than their cars and their million dollar homes? oh will we as a church learn that God and His truth must be preached, for His truth is more important than numbers made up of "christians?"

forgive me. i know that my pastor has more wisdom than i do and my pride still gets in the way, but i still struggle with sunday. i know people will know God and the redemptive power of Christ through whatever means God ordains, (phil 1:15-18). it seems so hard that we as a church could sit on our butts and let this false truth continue, especially in regards to our Lord.

thoughts from the peanut gallery?

how excited am i for the future!

my family and i, we sure watch a lot of tv. in fact, when i was in the second grade i had to draw me and my family doing something that represented us. i drew us watching star trek, (yes, i am a treky at heart, but that's another blog...)

so tonight we were watching Rick Steve's travel show and i don't know if he is just a norcal thing, but he's amazing. it made me want to pick up and go overseas, not that it hasn't already been plegging my heart. the show ended and we found bringing down the house, (so funny), and a commercial came on. it's below and it makes me SO excited for india and the future. man, if i can just stay focused now. oh, to serve God in that place, spreading His name, His fame, while helping people's physical needs. oh what else could be more glorious!??!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yB47wx-b6sY

my mom

i gripe so much about my dad, from my perspective potentially one of the biggest poods to ever walk the planet. we've been talking a lot, (understatement, maybe), about Biblical manhood and womanhood at cbu and it's been difficult not just because i'm not in a relationship with a guy, but because of the example of my parent's relationship. sometimes quite distressing.

background: my dad does not know Christ. when my mom and him met and got married, it didn't matter because she wasn't "walking with the Lord." now, my mom loves God and i've seen that love flourish over the past years. joining in with the world's view of men and women's roles have been so easy because my mom is such a strong player in my life and just amazing. the facts: while getting "demoted" at work, she just got this award for the best nurse in the entire hospital! no joke. it's called something something shining star. and because it has to do with a shining star, they named a star after her! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! tangent: i thought God was the One supposed to be naming stars here? another example of how we have made ourselves God (capital or no capital?). anyway, everyone seems to recognize how great my mom is except for my dad. example: we are re-doing our front yard and he HAS to have things his way. after talking at her for like, an hour, he asks her opinion, but just does what he wants. k, then why did you ask?

in past trips home, there has been quite a bit of yelling, that's just how my family has dealt with problems (the german in us?). well, after hearing about biblical manhood and womanhood, i was so convicted that if i can't obey my dad than how can i submit to a husband later? i get home and i expected to be the "good one," with my "yes dad's" and "sure dad." oh, but heck no those words did not come from my mouth easily, (pride? yes.). but i started listening to my dad and mom interact and was blown away. "Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct" (1 peter 3:1-2). okay, words are still spoken, but it's a whole lot better than it used to be. though this is totally selfish, i feel as i final have an example to follow in terms of this kind relationship, (not that i hope to ever be in one). but moreover (way moreover), how exciting that God will be more glorified and revealed through first my mother's submission and now hopefully the obedience of my sister and I, (yes, we are the bums that still live in and out of home in our early-mid twenties).

i know i still have some attitude stuff to work on, but i was listening to a sermon this week and he was talking about a man guarding his castle on the second floor. four men go in attack it, but you have to go up to the second floor through this skinny stair case and only one person can go up at a time. so the first attacker goes up, but he's a little scrony guy in comparison to the other three and gets real tired real fast trying to bring down the the bigger man on the second floor defending his castle. the other, larger and stronger attacker says get out of the way so i can take him out, but the smaller guy is resistant. kinda get the picture? God's wrath is much more powerful than me or my family in dealing with my dad as he defends his "castle." if only we can learn to step out of the way and allow Him to work.

i think that is all. i mean, it was quite a bit.

Spring Break: day 1

the last twenty four hours or so have been pretty amazing.

on the plane i had an entire three-seater to myself. i either sent off a vibe that i wanted to be by myself or the pants i had worn for the pants seven days straight really did smell. i took a little cat nap, read a bit, and ease-dropped on some conversations. it was a good hour. i got off the plane and my bags were basically the first two off the carousel-it pays to get there early :)

it was great to see my mom and we had a nice chat on the way to san mateo. we talked about nursing and family and cars, (i mean, they are all around when you are driving). at home, i tried to unpacked, but just helped her with dinner, (fish, artichokes, and potatoes-YUM!). after ellen came home from her real life grown up job, we ate and then went out on the town. okay, we went to blockbloster, (which is the steiger version of "on the town"). we rented august rush and sydney white, (yes, cottage 16, AMAZING!!!). i purchased corpse bride and HAIRSPRAY! amazing, once again. we then headed to, where else, yummy yogurt. (just a side note: those of you who think golden spoon even compares, let's be honest with ourselves. they sell/rent movies in the same building; how can they be devoted to the beauty of frozen yogurt??? just a question).
it was a good night.

the next day, i took ellen to work so i could use her car. i got back, mom and i chatted over coffee, had some grub, and then she headed out to hang with friends. i went out to buy stuff for amanda and ran across an old friend. (it wasn't an awkward high school friend, but a mom of a friend from high school). so i called up my friend and we chatted for about an hour and i stumbled across a new starbucks (up, we have about ten within two miles of my house-no lie).

i got some chai and, after our chat, headed to the church. i talked with my old youth pastor-now music pastor. again, good times. i made my way to the parking lot and was hollered at from the youth offices-to the cad house i go! another great conversation with the guys about the Lord! honestly, this is why i love coming home. there is no pressure to finish homework just yet and i can have conversations about God and His business with people without apologies. PTL!

i am so excited for the rest of this week. things with my dad have already been kinda shaky, but i pray that God would be my strength in resisting pride. also, i pray that God would serious shatter my dad's heart for God's mighty, saving work through Jesus Christ.

chapel

i had mixed feelings about chapel today. for the first time in a long time i felt comfortable sitting and praying instead of feeling obligated to stand and worship. i really felt like it was a great time of worship and remembrance of our Lord and His mighty work on the cross. however, i was so upset that the passion movie started playing and we all just kept going with our normalcy. seriously, have we become that lax about the death of Christ? can we not even take ten minutes out of our lives to remember and reflect on His death instead of chat with our friends who we will most likely see later? i know,"God is always there," but how dare we forget and neglect the One who gave and sacrificed all that we might be reconciled to Him!

oh, God, may we recognized our depravity and need for repentance. may we desire your presence more than air. forgive me for my anger and help me know what to do with these feelings. You are too good.

i should

i should really be doing homework right now. and i will do it, i just have some stuff to get out. most of you know that my current obsession lies with the movie hairspray. i mean, i really enjoy musicals. i love the combination of good acting, singing, and of course, dancing. so what's better than a moving that's not only all of these, but about these. then, make the main character a fat girl beating the odds. i love it. i mean, from the first minute i knew i was going to thoroughly enjoy that movie. i've said it before and i'll say it again, but i wish my life was tracie's, (ok, take a few exceptions-like throwing Jesus into the mix. but does that make it a joel olsten gospel....oh gosh, that's another blog...). i mean, what fat girl doesn't want to be recognized by the "world" that has ignored her for so long. maybe not even recognition in terms of fame, but by the guy. you know.

i know i should be content in my singleness, but as many single people have over the past week, i have been examining where i am and who i am. i mean, most days i am okay with being single, but today, i so desire something more-selfish? most likely. i used to think that i would be able to be single the rest of my life, but i don't know. i guess i think about marriage and a life long ministry partner more than i thought, (or should).

i had a teacher tell me once that contentment in the christian walk is a bad thing. i am content with my relationship with God. i am not content with the amount of time i spend in the Word or the amount of time i spend memorizing the Word. moreover, i am not content that i have such a hard time trusting the only One that has only been faithful. 1 Thes. 5:23-24 says "Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it." Lord, may i have this confidence in You. may i be kept blameless in my thoughts and speech as you sanctify me for and in Your purpose and glorious plan.

blooming

God is good. this seems like such an understatement. i know that God's goodness has nothing to do with my circumstances, but i think i have finally and again begun to realize that.

today it seemed like the entire campus was in bloom. all of the daffodils by the cottages are in blossoming, not to mention those nasty orange plants by the yeagar building. is it me, or did they all of a sudden just look like an amazing reflection of God's glorious creation? (ok, they also do, but more so when they are in bloom.) conversations were also in bloom today. how great it was to see and hear people processing and actually concerned with the things of God, even if these "things" mean birth control and Biblical submission? i hope this isn't just a momentary thing among the lancer nation, but i hope that God continually convicts us to love His decrees and commands and to seek out what those are, and even more, to talk about them in godly discussion. so uh, yeah. the day just seemed brighter and more glorious. i dunno.

i failed a test for the first time since high school. i guess it's okay since most of the class did. maybe this corporate failure explains the elementary treatment by our professor as of late. oh well.

a prayer for the morning

"Lord of immortality, before whom angels bow and archangels veil their faces, enable me to serve Thee with reverence and godly fear. Thou who art Spirit and requirest truth in the inward parts, help me to worship Thee in spirit and in truth. Thou who art righteous, let me not harbour sin in my heart, or indulge a worldly temper, or seek satisfaction in things that perish.

I hasten towards an hour when earthly pursuits and possessions will appear vain, when it will be indifferent whether I have been rich or poor, successful or disappointed, admired or despised. But it will be of eternal moment that I have mourned for sin, hungered and thirsted after righteousness, loved the Lord Jesus in sincerity, gloried in His cross. May these objects engross my chief solicitude! Produce in me those principles and dispositions that make Thy service perfect freedom.

Expel from my mind all sinful fear and shame, so that with firmness and courage I may confess the Redeemer before men, go forth with Him hearing His reproach, be zealous with His knowledge, be filled with His wisdom, walk with His circumspection, ask counsel of Him in all things, repair to the Scriptures for His orders, stay my mind on His peace, knowing that nothing can befall me without His permission, appointment and administration."

a bunch of random stuff

i feel like i always blog about nothing and i don't usually. let's see how this one goes.

i feel like i'm failing my classes. for the first time in a really long time i think and feel like i am in the right place at the right time doing the right thing, but my grades suck. okay i know i need to study more and pay attention in class more, but i thought i understood the information, but i guess not. it makes me nervous that now i am somehow unfit to care for patients. prayer in this area would be great, (clarity and focus in school).

for those of you who have been faithful blog subscribers from the early days of this blog, (2 months ago), you will know that a few weeks ago i found myself doubting so much of what i had held to be truth and to have been the core of my being. i had to stop for a moment because the faithfulness of God never ceases to amazing me despite my lack of faith and tendency to find contentment and answers in something other than Him. these are a few of the answers the God has been revealing to me:

• a good friend reminded me that God does not desire for me to be legalistic. that is where it all began. i stopped reading my Bible for about a week or so and wow, i hated it. but now i realized that i love God's Word so much and that i had been taking it for granted. shame on me.
  
• i had been seeking the approval of men, not God and thus drifting so far from Him and His will. no wonder clarity during that earth shattering time was so hard and so strange. once again, shame on me.
  
• repentance is something that has been missing in my life because it had become a flippant thing. how do i keep it from becoming that again? stay in His Word.
• i do in fact hate sin more than i thought. i had spent so much time in apathy that it had lost its meaning.
• i have SO much more to learn and way more to grow! some days i wish that it could all just happen. you know? be better at loving and serving, bearing others' burdens, but good grief, where would all the fun in the depths come if God just took me to the top?

i hope that i am finally learning to wait on God and trust that His timing and the circumstances that i find myself are to refining so that i might be more like Him for His glory alone. i know that i have said that statement before, but oh, the beauty of God is that the last time i said it i was not the same person as i am now; how God continues to transform this disgusting person into a reflection of Himself.

during a lot of this struggle i found myself first avoiding and then embracing the following song. i hope God uses it to change your life, even in a small way.


Here I am Lord and I’m drowning, in Your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me, I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight
I know you’ve cast my sin as far as the East is from the West
And I stand before You now as though I’ve never sinned
But today I feel like I’m just one mistake away

From You leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me just how far the east is from the west
‘Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
‘Cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I’m in
Today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
from You leaving me this way

I know You’ve washed me white
Turn my darkness into life
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can’t live by what I feel
About the truth Your word reveals
I’m not holding on to You
But You’re holding on to me
You’re holding on to me

Jesus you know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I’ve been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
‘Cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other