Saturday, March 1, 2008

a bunch of random stuff

i feel like i always blog about nothing and i don't usually. let's see how this one goes.

i feel like i'm failing my classes. for the first time in a really long time i think and feel like i am in the right place at the right time doing the right thing, but my grades suck. okay i know i need to study more and pay attention in class more, but i thought i understood the information, but i guess not. it makes me nervous that now i am somehow unfit to care for patients. prayer in this area would be great, (clarity and focus in school).

for those of you who have been faithful blog subscribers from the early days of this blog, (2 months ago), you will know that a few weeks ago i found myself doubting so much of what i had held to be truth and to have been the core of my being. i had to stop for a moment because the faithfulness of God never ceases to amazing me despite my lack of faith and tendency to find contentment and answers in something other than Him. these are a few of the answers the God has been revealing to me:
  • a good friend reminded me that God does not desire for me to be legalistic. that is where it all began. i stopped reading my Bible for about a week or so and wow, i hated it. but now i realized that i love God's Word so much and that i had been taking it for granted. shame on me.
  • i had been seeking the approval of men, not God and thus drifting so far from Him and His will. no wonder clarity during that earth shattering time was so hard and so strange. once again, shame on me.
  • repentance is something that has been missing in my life because it had become a flippant thing. how do i keep it from becoming that again? stay in His Word.
  • i do in fact hate sin more than i thought. i had spent so much time in apathy that it had lost its meaning.
  • i have SO much more to learn and way more to grow! some days i wish that it could all just happen. you know? be better at loving and serving, bearing others' burdens, but good grief, where would all the fun in the depths come if God just took me to the top?
i hope that i am finally learning to wait on God and trust that His timing and the circumstances that i find myself are to refining so that i might be more like Him for His glory alone. i know that i have said that statement before, but oh, the beauty of God is that the last time i said it i was not the same person as i am now; how God continues to transform this disgusting person into a reflection of Himself.

during a lot of this struggle i found myself first avoiding and then embracing the following song. i hope God uses it to change your life, even in a small way.

Here I am Lord and I’m drowning, in Your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me, I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight
I know you’ve cast my sin as far as the East is from the West
And I stand before You now as though I’ve never sinned
But today I feel like I’m just one mistake away

From You leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me just how far the east is from the west
‘Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
‘Cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I’m in
Today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
from You leaving me this way

I know You’ve washed me white
Turn my darkness into life
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can’t live by what I feel
About the truth Your word reveals
I’m not holding on to You
But You’re holding on to me
You’re holding on to me

Jesus you know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I’ve been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
‘Cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

1 comment:

deanna said...

First off...I am totally in the same boat as you with the whole school's so frustrating because you think you know somethings so well and then surprise...someone says you don't...that's annoying. Secondly, I am glad to hear your struggles. Sometimes I feel like there is so much pressure to not struggle or act like you aren't struggling in your faith and wrestling with it...I don't like it...I love that you are real with people...more people should be!