hello?

hello blog world. is anyone there?

i know i've been blogging a lot. like, a lot a lot. and i know i don't always talk about interesting things.

but eleven posts without comments?! common people! i mean, i know i ramble and say weird things, but i made my blog look pretty. don'tcha wanna check it out? also, words of affirmation is my love language. please, i need to be affirmed.

yea, this is pretty hm (or high maintenance, for non-norcal peeps), but really. i mean, really??!

until next time....maybe.

socal

i've loved the past 24 hours for the following reasons:

• i've worshipped with a church that i love and miss.
• i've hugged one of my dearest friends for the first time since she's been engaged.
• i've spent time processing through the past two months and the coming two months with another dear friend, just like old times.
• i've had two of my favorite foods in riverside: ban thai and chipotle.
• i had dinner and a random and meaningful two hour conversation with a new friend.
• i was able to get drinks with friends and talk about significant things.
• i was able to have a sleep over in an apartment that is my home away from home.
• i listened to "and can it be?" at least six times.
• i still get to spend another jam-packed nine hours catching up with great people!

what could be better? sure, i'm missing some great teaching and i miss my hope family, but i forgot how much i love this desert land called riverside. it is another home that i praise the Lord for. 

until next time

(untitled)

my feelings seem to be taking over my life:

• i feel tired
• i feel defeated
• i feel emotionally exhausted
• i feel physically sick
• i feel less than 100%
• i feel sad because i miss s.asia and miss my good friends
• i feel incredibly blessed by my family, friends, and even co-workers
• i feel overwhelmed by the love i've felt in the passed few days
• i feel confused

for a thinker, i've been communicating and "in touch" with my feelings so much in the last 24 hours. i don't really know how i feel about it. (there i go again...)

but the Lord is faithful  to remind me of His promises and His commands, and how they are not conditionally on my feelings :

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. 

Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, 

for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1:9

crazy love-part 3

i think i might have mentioned it before, but i love crazy love so much, that i've had to limit my reading of it. i read it on the sabbath as a way to spend more time thinking about the Lord and learning afresh who He is.

last week, i started chapter five. about a page into it, francis challenges his readers to read through the gospels (yes, all four) with fresh eyes. these eyes should be enlightened by the Holy Spirit; these eyes should be fueled by a heart seeking Christ; these eyes should be motivated to read the gospels as if they have never read them before.

i'll admit, i was frustrated. "francis, i sat down to read your book, not the Bible!" i was convicted of my horrid attitude and misguided motivation. i broke opened rosecrans (aka my esv study Bible) and started with matthew. half way through the first chapter, i had to stop and pray. already i was bored and already my attitude sucked. but God is gracious and merciful to change this sinner's heart.

while i'm still in matthew, i've seen a few things:

• the gospel calls for complete surrender and thus leads to complete transformation
• Christ calls His followers to be faithful
• God is wonderously powerful!
• demons obey and call Christ Lord, but mankind is too often casts away the Lord
• the kingdom of God is the focus of Christ's ministry
•  the kingdom is to be treasured (this one verse really takes the cake)
• the authority and power of Christ is unmatched.

•  

i was challenged while overseas to re-think my stance of the Gospel. (not in the sense that Jesus is the gospel, but in how it is carried out.) i thought too many times that my belief of total abandonment for the sake of Christ was unbiblical.

now i see how ridiculous i was to even think that.

that is the gospel! we have been called to live with complete faith in a mighty, faithful, merciful God! while i have yet to come close to fulfilling this in my life, i am looking forward to the steps that get me there!






until next time

three weeks

it's been three long weeks since i've been back in the states. it's crazy to think that i spent about that same amount of time in south asia. i wasn't going to blog about the three week post-experience, but some things made me think of the gloriousness of what i left.

• i got a tear-away calendar from some good friends for my birthday in january. while i received some awesome gifts, this was my fav because not only do i adore calendars, but this one was published by "1,000 places to see before you die." yea, i know, it's amazing. today the place to see reminded me of the majesty of God, His abounding grace, and my increasing desire to serve Him there.

•  i've been sick basically since i've been back from overseas. today, my mom talked to my doctor at work and she agreed to see me. i got some antibiotics, but she recommended i use the neti pot three times daily until my sinuses are cleared out. so i've been a skeptic of these things for some years now, but when the doc told me top pulmonalogists are for it, what could i do but try it. when i went to purchase it, i got one from a place that i want to go. my heart broke as i read the information on the box with underlying info about oneness with the universe. no hope. no hope.

• overseas, i became real close with three people. we called ourselves the ptc. our conversations and their godly attitudes challenged me to focus on Christ during one of the hardest times i have spent on the field. they would bring me back to Lord even in little things, spurring me on to live in light of the love of the Father. their stories challenged me to live with more love and adventure. last night/early this morning, i got a phone call from the other female in the ptc, kara. i was surprised to hear two male voices on the line as well. PTL for conference calls! i have been overwhelmed being back in the states and i've found myself getting caught up in the business and muchness that is too often life. talking with them and remembering all that they said and what we experienced together reminded me of the beauty in simplicity when following Christ. thank you kara, jordan, and nick. your friendships mean more than i can express!

 i am eager to go back. if the Lord told me to go, i would without hesitation. but i know i am to be here for a season. (although, sometimes it seems like that season is as long as summer in riverside.) each day, i have to keep myself from thinking too much about going overseas and focus on what work the Lord has for me here. but each day i am more consumed with the need to cultivate a plentiful harvest, and ultimately, to serve the Master of the field.

Lord, help me to love You more. grant me deep grace to be satisfied with now and to let go of the future. allow me to seek you wholeheartedly in all circumstances that You alone receive the glory.

until next time

it's 6:27 am

and i've been at work for an hour. it's almost like having a real job. but not all at the same time.

while i wait for patrons to roll in and as i sip my venti drip coffee to somehow ease my swollen and almost beefy-red throat, i thought i would blog. here are some thoughts:

• i've said it before, but the creator of starbucks is a genious! way to charge $4 for espresso, milk, and some flavoring. did you make a $3 profit?
• i hate church bulltins. or is it the programs that i mean? you know, those folded pieces of  paper you get when you go to oh so many churches in the u.s. a lot of them are even in color now. does the body of Christ really need to be spending money on something that everyone is going to through away?
• i love facebook chat. i'm able to have at least a pretend convo with friends i can't see in person and that it would be kinda awk to have a phone conversation with (mostly because i'm awkward and hate talking on the phone). it makes me sad facebook chat is a no-can-do at work.
• i feel stupid when i make a simple mistake. yesterday at work, my drawer was $3 short. how does that happen?! i didn't take it, and we deal with five dollar increments (like lap swim-$5.50, caps-$5). i think it was a needed blow to my pride.
• God's faithfulness is incomparable. to the world, there would be lots of cause for stress in my life. i'll admit, i let it get the better of me at times (like when i think too much about boards), but God proves Himself faithful again and again and again and again....well, you get the idea. i was getting nervous about not getting a job and with my mom out of work for a month (and potentially longer) i've been feeling like a free-loafer. but God is faithful and is allowing me to have a job interview! why did i doubt, even for a moment?
• i've been sick for about 2 weeks now. it's viral, so no drugas for me. i thought i was getting better, but nope. i guess some of my teammates have been sick for longer (like, while we were on the field and still since we've been back). well done, immune system.
• i haven't exercised for three days in a row now. and i feel it. ugh, i feel gross. i wanted to work early mornings cause i thought i'd be able to workout while i guarded. turns out, i'm doing office most of the time. i'll have to find another time to workout cause this lazy-bumb thing ain't workin
• i made thank-you notes for my trip. i enjoyed looking through the photos and remembering fun and funny things. it was hard to some up what happened in a few lines, but i pray God is glorified through those lines!
• i miss riverside. i know, i know. it's my choice to be in the bay. i think wat i really miss are the close friendships i have there. i know, i've got amazing friends here, too, but i feel i left just as things were getting started. i was just making some awesome connections with some awesome people in my church family in riverside, and it seems like the Lord is moving through that body in a very unique and exciting way. one of my besties (and beasties) just got engaged and i'm not there to celebrate with her. my friends are becoming rn's and i can't celebrate with them. my friends are coming and going from serving the Lord overseas and i can't hear their stories. but God is faithful. i am here for this season and for a purpose. maybe i'm to grow in intentionality. maybe i am to refine and grow the friendships i have here. maybe i'm to learn something besides celebration.

these are the thoughts for now. completely random, but what else do you expect from a crazy, white woman?



until next time

urg

i knew that these days would come. i just never know when or how bad they will be.

my dad is driving me CRAZY!

he thinks he owns the world and that everything he every says or does is right. this is what one would call "lying to oneself."

more than ever, i am looking forward to moving out. i'm over him trying to fix things that i don't want fixed and i'm over him not contributing anything but grief to my mom.

i need a better attitude. i need to choose to love him because God loves him. this is one of those things i've struggled with for years. intervention at any time, God, would be great.

until next time

crazy love-part 2

 as i mentioned in an earlier blog, i'm ready crazy love by francis chan.  it's a weighty book, but God is using it to  convict me of my all too often selfish, lukewarm attitude. i want to change and am praying earnestly that the Lord will change my heart, thus allowing me to choose more God-glorifying and God-loving actions and attitudes.

francis (we are now on a first-name basis...) talks about how God has commanded us to rejoice in Him and to love Him above everything else. intellectually, i get that; practically, i struggle.

today will be a good day to rely on the Lord and rejoice in Him since it's my first full day back at the pool after a summer's break. i'm nervous and freaked out, but am looking forward to how God will reveal Himself through my weakness and obedience.

planner....no more?

i'm a planner. planning enables me to feel in control. planning makes me feel accomplished. planning is something i do without thinking. my strongest trait in meyer's briggs is j-judging/scheduling. 

but then i went to south asia.

something was different this time. yes, i had a schedule and yes, i had things to get done, but the stress that usually comes with being on task was not ever-present. i love how the people say "ke garne," or what to do? i mean, i had no control over what happened while i was there; i could only control my attitude and actions. please believe, that was hard enough. 

now that i'm back in the states, i've hated being scheduled. i haven't made a single "to do" list and i've barely used my planner. i know, right? what's wrong with me? what happened to the girl with lists and lists, and post-it after post-it in my planner? 

i kinda hope she's gone. i mean, sure, i still have my work schedule written down or important dates like boards, but i'm loving calling/texting people and then hanging out the same day. i'm loving the feeling of freedom that comes from not being confined to a "to-do" list. i think i lost this part of me in nursing school. i'm glad that it is coming back.

i don't think i'll ever stop planning. it's part of who i am. God has enabled me to plan and be organized. but i'm thrilled that i don't feel trapped by schedules and overwhelmed with to-do's. i'm excited about waiting on God and trusting in His faithfulness.

until next time

learning to love

God's love is amazing!

and i rarely understand it.

at church in riverside quite a few months ago, the pastor challenged us to live out God's command of "love your enemy". he said when you encounter someone that cuts you off or a bad relationship at work, love that person instead of cursing them. 

wow, i suck at this. i want things my way and for my good. i don't consciously make an effort to love people who don't love me back. 

but i've been commanded to.

moreover, i should want to.

so i prayed. i prayed that God would teach me more how to love. that He would teach me more about His love. that i would fall in love with Him again.

welp, ask and you will receive. i've been challenge to love in a new way. overseas, i had to love people i didn't want to love. i didn't do it well, but when i asked God to help me love, He did. through my weakness, He was proved strong. at home, i have to love my dad even though it's one of the hardest things i've been called to do. but i'm learning.

most of my close friends have read through crazy love. francis chan loves God and it is evident in his life. but why?

i just watched this video.

watch it!

so i'm on this journey to love more. and i just failed again in loving people. is it because i'm task driving? is it because i'm too self-absorbed? is it because i just don't care?

change my heart, God. help me to love the people you have created and that you love dearly. most of all, help me to love you and seek you deeply.

to my other kimberlee

yes, i have been blessed with two, that's right, two dear friends named kimberlee. so this blog is for my dear friend kimberlee, (kim, or kimburger, ya know, whatev).

(sadly, i could not find a picture of us together. this will happen very soon!)

Ode to Kimberlee

This is my ode to Kimberlee:

a friend since birth,

and a friend who drinks my tea.

Kimberlee likes to laugh and smile.

From Bible study to Hume to Mississippi-

gotta love the Pink Palace and them crocodile.

So to this Kimberlee I send much love.

Even though I mistakenly call or text you,

I know you will never give me the shove.

until next time

reasons to live overseas

i got to thinkin, "gee, people think i'm crazy for wanting to live overseas. but-cha-know, i think they are crazy!"

so, to prove my point, i will be making an ongoing list of benefits to living overseas. here are some to get it started:

    1) you walk everywhere. my butt will sure look good...

    2) the rules of the road are, honk so people know you are there, and keep driving!

   3) fellowship is cherished.

4) there is a plethora of free tea served daily.

    5) friendships start because you are a foreigner. it's like insta-friends everywhere!

6) in order to help the economy and be a witness, you get to have a house-helper. ie-no vacuuming for me!

     7) there is always something new to experience!

8) public transportation is the norm....and it's an adventure trying to figure it out.

    9) matching is typically a relative term.

   10) being "late" is normal. good conversations don't have to end just to get to a new one.

this is what i've got for now. it will be an ongoing list that y'all are welcome to add to!

until next time