just call me josie

(NOTE: this post is being published 2 days early due to lack of internet over the next few weeks)

as in josie grossie from never been kissed. today (1/2), this is officially me. i mean, we had some things in common before:

we are both blondes and look great in pink.

we both have no sense of style.

we both suck at communicating verbally and prefer the written word.

we both have awkward pasts.

we are both big dreamers.

and, as of today, we are both 25 and have never been kissed.

i know, i just compared myself to a fictional character, but truth is truth. i think the best part about this comparison is that i can laugh about it (and i hope you do too). sure, we have similarities, but we have quite a few differences, too. the two major differences: i'm a real person, and i am loved and love the Creator of all. so as this birthday brings some harsh realities to my life, i find a simple and perfect comfort in the sustaining and perfect love of the God of all, my Abba.

2011: addendum

it seems like i missed a few things from my latest blog, so i'd like to take a moment to clarify.

God has made it possible for me to love Him, and i want and long to love Him wholeheartedly, as the psalmist talks about all too often. but i just don't. i am easily distracted by toys, friendships, and my own selfishness. i don't like it and i refuse to waste anymore of this gift of life consumed in things not of Jesus. ok, i know i will fall short of this standard. please believe, i know. but i am resolved to be proactive in this change, relying on the abundant grace of our Lord. 

i desire to dive deep into the depths of God. i have high expectations that He will take me there and that i will feast and be satisfied with Him. 

i have prayed to have certain distractions removed-and God has said no. other distractions i embrace with apathy, not realizing how much they keep me from spending time with the Worthy One. God has said to be content with weakness so that His strength will be revealed. i am easily distracted and i trust in the faithfulness of God to reveal His strength.

i hope this clarifies why i am doing what i am doing this next year. truly, it will be a time of grace, struggle, and joy. i am excited and nervous. moreover, i am overwhelmed with the wonder that God still chooses to love me and mold me, and that He has called me His own.

2011

the new year is fast approaching, and i've spent a lot of time reflecting on this past year and the year to come. again, the Lord has revealed to me my lack of discipline in most areas of life, and my complaining and selfish attitude revealed hyperly in the past six months.

so this year, i want this to be different. i long for things to be different. this year, i want to sit in awe and wonder of this God who loves me deeply. but my longing can only get so far. i need to be intentional. i need to be focused. i need much grace. my hope is that i can enter this new year with a new resolve. this coming year, i long to be truly resolved in my pursuit of God, recognizing that it is only His grace that will allow me to do so.

(before i enter this next section, i want to make a disclaimer. by no means do i think that my actions will earn me more favor with God or bring me salvation. i don't think that doing these things is a requirement for anyone. however, i know that doing them is a part of faith and that the Lord has commanded and required certain things in life. these "goals" are a mere reflection of that.)

Goals for 2011:

• spending increasing amounts of time with the Father daily, including prayer and silence.
• interceding fervently for loved ones and lost ones daily.
• memorizing intetional and "important" sections of scripture consistently.
• reading a book a month.
• fb only on sundays
• reducing the amount of tv i watch to four hours a week (still too much, but i gotta start somewhere)
• fasting weekly

i say none of these things to seek applause or bring glory to myself. in fact, i hope it does the opposite. i am weak. i am useless. but God has chosen me, a fool, to shame the wise. i hope this endeavor will bring much glory to God and much joy to me.

here is some scripture that i hope will continue to encourage and strengthen me through this coming year:

Psalm 86:11

"Teach me your way, O LORD,  that I may walk in your truth; unite my heart to fear your name."

Proverbs 3:5-8

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones."

Philippians 1:27, 29

"Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ...For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake"

Philippians 3:8

"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord..."

Philippians 4:8

"...whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."

to God be the glory!

yay!

I'm excited about my next 2 blog posts. So i excited that i had to blog about it!

One of them i've been thinking about for a couple of months. Ha, makes me laugh to think of it.
The other has only been in process for a few weeks, but is more exciting than the previous.


So there you go. Happy waiting.

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sobering experience

yesterday at work, i was on the ICU step down unit and i had 2 patients, which was really nice because it wasn't technically a full load. i didn't even have to do an admission, either. i had a post-op pt and a pt i had cared for a few weeks previously. his condition had deteriorated severely and it was quite shocking to see his decline. the gentleman had liver disease and was dying slowly. he had multiple infections, hypothermia, low blood pressure, and multi-organ failure. his breathing was labored probably due to ineffective gas exchange. he could not communicate because of the encephalopathy. despite all of this, the family still wanted all measures taken to resuscitate him should his heart stop or airway fail. i don't judge them for their decision; it's just hard to see a person actively dying and denial and fear regarding the inevitable.

my other patient had bladder cancer and had an operation that would change his life. his pain had been uncontrolled for days, but on my shift, through the hard work of nurses before me, his pain was adequately controlled. the wife was stressed out about all that was going on, and rightfully so to some extent. but she had a cross on, so i knew i had an easy in to a spiritual conversation. so, i asked if i could pray for them. they eagerly accepted. while they think i may have touched them by praying, truly i was the one who was blessed. i all too often forget that in and of myself, i cannot fix my patients. sure, i can help control their pain and give them tools to help cope with various aliments, but, really, they need to be fixed spiritually, and i have no real control over that. all i can do is love on them and show them Jesus in whatever way i can. 

(side note: the wife pulled me aside later and told me she used to be jewish; now she is a messianic jew. i thought i might freak her out if i told her i was a gentile for jews for Jesus, so i refrained; however, it still made my day!).

i helped out with another patient. this woman had been in and out of the hospital for years. while i don't know her full story, i know that she is paralyzed from the waste down, was expressively aphasic, and recently broke her leg, causing excruciating pain. she was probably my height, but weighed 100lbs; it took little strength to turn and reposition her. my heart broke for this woman who was, in the true sense of the word, helpless. i did not take the opportunity to pray for her, and i can honestly say i regret it fully. she needed hope and needed to know that there was someOne who could help her more than she could ever help herself.

to say the least, work has been holistically challenging. but i am glad for it. my pride is squashed over and over again, and my selfishness is made evident. while nurses are often proud and haughty, it seems wrong on so many levels. we should be moved by the difficulties that we are privy to. our class verse in nursing school was micah 6:8, "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" may this be the theology that guides my nursing practice. may i learn to do justice, to love and act kindly, and to walk in humility with the Father as i have the honor of serving people.

calm before the storm

that was this weekend. i was blessed to hang out with so many dear friends and hear about how God is using them and teaching them, as well as sharing what is going on with the craziness called my life. while busy, it was a time of rest and rejuvenation and love.

but i think the storm is coming.

in the next three weeks, i have some major life events happening:

• i start working nights in 2 weeks. that's right, the girl who used to get up at 4:30am and have to be told to go back to bed by her parents has been assigned nights. i'll be working 7:30pm-8:00am, (feel free to text me). the benefit to this shift is that when i go asia, i won't have to adjust to the time difference.
• in 3 weeks, i start functioning independently as an rn. this is scary. while i've been functioning as an rn for the past four-ish months, i've always had a mentor to go to that was forced to help me. once i'm on my own, that person won't be there and i'll have to be more assertive than i'm forced to be now. a stretching experience to be sure.
• in 2 weeks, i turn 25 (aka old). a lot of reality is hitting me with this birthday and i'm not sure how to take it. but i am grateful to the Lord for the past year where i was able to plunge into the depths of Him. and i pray for another.
• in 13 days, i move out of the house i have called home for my entire life. i am excited beyond belief, but part of me is mourning the loss.....of something. i will miss my mom cooking for me when i get home from a bad day at work, or processing with her, and i will miss the simplicity that is living with my parents. (this has been a new development, so i still have more to process).
• the issue i thought had been resolved is not entirely so. i'm dreading the conversations to come in the next few weeks that will hopefully bring clarity to this crazy situation, but will probably create new awkwardness. i pray, more than anything, that God would receive glory from what i hope will be my quiet submission to His plan.

 it seems like there's a lot more that will be happening. i guess i just feel overwhelmed with all that's going on. i have a lot to process, but it seems like i don't have time (or the appropriate outlet) to process it all. i hope that i can do more than simply survive the coming weeks; i  hope i will be able to savor this precious gift called life.

a vague resolution

I just received some resolution on one major issue thats been bugging me for a couple of months.

I had a feeling things would swing this way, and i thought i'd be really upset.

But i'm not. I'm relieved.

Maybe that will change. (I'm sure that will change.) But for now, praise Jesus that this resolution has come and this prayer has been answered!

Oh yea, and uh, this blog is the vague part, not the resolution itself.

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#300

it's been almost 3 years since i started blogging. this blog marks my 300th post.

dang.

i know people blog multiple times a day and have way  more interesting things to say than me, and i know others think that blogging is a waste of time. but i am grateful for blogging (and my friends who put up with it!).

in reviewing some of my past blogs, here's what i've learned about myself:

• i am a selfish, spoiled child. i know what i want and i expect to get what i want. when it doesn't happen, i mope. in this past season of life, i know God isn't giving me what i want 1)to reveal His perfect timing and 2)to break me of this brat-syndrome. 
• i am a controll freak! i have a plan and i will do whatever i can to see it through. it's a disease, really. i know that God has broken me of control in certain ways, but i still have a long way to go in other things.
• i have amazing friends! again and again, i see how the Lord has blessed me with godly friendships so that we might sharpen each other for the kingdom. i am always blown away that God will give me such amazing friends!
• i am stupid. again and again and again, the Lord has proved faithful in my life. and over and over and over again i think trusting in my plan is a good idea. really? sounds like proverbs 26:11 to me.

these are just a few observations and i'm sure there are tons more, but i guess those will come out in blogs to come...

grace in weakness

The past 3 days have been the most difficult work days of my life. During that time, my prayer was fvor God to get me out of the situation i felt thrown in. I felt like a failure; and honestly, still do. I dread going to work this morning.

But then i read 2 cor. 12:1-10, specifically 7-10. No, i have had no special revelation, but i do become proud so easily. How the Lord hit me over the head this am! I may plead to remove trials and difficulties that i face, but He is using them to make me more like Jesus!

Today, i am weak. I am tired, i am anxious, i am a failure.

But today, i see that the Lord has allow such definitions of myself in order to reveal His strength and glorify Himself! Praise be to God, for using such a sinner for His purpose!

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needing some perspective

today started out great. but by 1630 (or 4:30pm) i was over it. in fact, i was pissed off and in tears. essentially, my preceptor told me that my work wasn't professional and that i was not properly advocating for my patients because i wasn't assertive enough. 

thoroughly crush, i walked quickly to my car, called a nurse-friend, and balled. i know i am not aggressive, but does that mean i'm not assertive? 

aggressive: 

characterized by or tending toward unprovoked offensives, attacks, invasions, or the like; 

militantly forward or menacing

assertive:

confidently aggressive or self-assured; positive

 

 

so occording to dictionary.com, aggressive and assertive are too different things. and i don't think i'm either of them. i am not aggressive. i never want to be. it is not Christ like.

 

 

but i think i can be assertive and still display Christ. it says, "positive," and "confidently aggressive." but i know this is what i truly lack in my nursing-confidence. but i'm okay with that. i've only been on this unit seven days and performing patient care for three of those days. i had two patients on the step-down unit and i had to perform tasks and advocate for patients in ways i haven't had to yet. so no, i'm going to be confident. 

 

but dearest preceptor, would you give me a chance? could you let me prove to you that you don't have to be....well, uh, a bitch.....to advocate well for your patient?  

 

 

sigh. 

christmas joy

there are a few things i love about christmas.

well, actually just one.

it's a day to celebrate Jesus Christ. now, i know i can celebrate Him everyday, (and i hope i do, at least to some extent), but i love a day that is set apart, (holy, if you will), in which we collectively come together to remember the birth of the God-Man, the only Savior of the world.

i know, Jesus was mostly likely born in august or a summer month; he wasn't born in a stable; His birth was neither sterile nor romantic; there were no pine trees or scented candles. but this day we call christmas, is a day to celebrate and honor the expected Messiah, the Savior. it is a day to celebrate God's matchless grace and perfect love poured out onto His creation.

so with eager expectation to celebrate Him and to remember the love, justice, and grace of God, i embrace the month of december. yes, there will be moments where i am frustrated with the materialism and there will be times when i'll get heated about the lack of focus on Christ; forgive me ahead of time, please. but the reality is, i can't wait to worship and reflect with the body of Christ on our Cornerstone!

christmas vomit

this is what i've decided to coin as the term for this commercialized madness called "the holiday season." so many people say how much they LOVE christmas, but what is it that they really love? the lights? the over-indulgence in the same meal you over-ate last year? the need to out-gift your sibbling? i don't get it.

so here's my list of the top 5 things 

i hate about "the holiday season":

5.) the food. i know, it's a shocker that this is something i don't like about this time of year. but i just don't. what's so great about turkey? and why must it always be served with mashed potatoes and gravy? i really don't think that's what the pilgrams ate. or joseph and mary, for that matter.

4.) christmas music.

why do stores and radio stations feel compelled to play christmas music from thanksgiving to new year's? i truly think this is why suicide rates are higher during the holidays; people go crazy with all of the horrible christmas music! yes, music that actually reflects what christmas is about, is truly wonderful, but it is rarely heard.

3.) the decorations.

i mean, why? where did this tradition start? what is the significance of hanging strands of mini-lights from your house and putting ghastly, (and often scary), snow creatures on your lawn? oh, oh! and let's cut down trees each year so that we can have temporal enjoyment. i just don't seem to be able to understand how multiple fire hazards and a high electric bill are beneficial.

2.) christmas-themed...

...well, anything that has a christmas "theme." why do i need to have scrubs with christmas trees on them? or why do i feel pressured to have my "everyday" travel mug and then my christmas travel mug? these things collect dust all year except for the 1.5 months i break 'em out. functionality has lost it's essence in our society; it is about looking good, matching, and "celebrating the season."

1.) the shopping.

it seems so strange to me that we would spend so much money trying to earn favor with others. i know, i try to earn favor in other ways (and this way, too), but one day out of the year? so much money is spent on things that are never used or never worn. and why is it that we buy such expensive things this time of the year? is february not a sufficient month to buy a tv? the act of shopping from november to december is stressful in and of itself. lines are long, parking lots are a madhouse, and the only thing i've been able to find are christmas-themed gifts. (oh yea, that's useful in real life). truly, this is my least favorite aspect of "the holiday season" because of it's ultimately rooted in materialism. this is something i battle without assistance from a full, frontal-attack during a time that i want to be celebrating Jesus the Christ.

yes, this was a rant. but isn't it true? at least some of it? i'm not trying to get all linus on y'all, but i after the past few days i needed to share this. and please believe, i don't hate everything about christmas. i will blog on things i really enjoy and cherish soon. but, until next time...

listening to....country!??!

those of you who know me know that i really dislike country. and i think that's one of the reasons i didn't like this band when i first heard them. a little too much twang for me.

but in all honesty, their lyrics rock my world. i'm even going to one of their concerts in december (i hope). here's one song that's been rocking me world:

(needtobreathe, valley of tomorrow)

I am a troubled mind, I am a calloused heart
A failing engine from driving way too hard
Trying way too hard
I pulled a 38 out of my bleeding heart
I killed my selfishness for bringing me this far
This far away from you

When the daylight breaks through the buildings of Chicago
I will stand alone in the valley of tomorrow

Oh, this is the way I wanna go down
(This is the last time) I'm starting over with you
This is the way I wanna go out

I never second-guesssed the little voice I heard
It's just a whisper, that sounded like a scream
I aint never felt so free

When the daylight breaks through the buildings of Chicago
I will stand alone in the valley of tomorrow

Oh, this is the way I wanna go down
(This is the last time) I'm starting over with you
This is the way I wanna go out
(This is the last time) I'm starting over with you

I never second-guesssed the little voice I heard
It's just a whisper 

 can i please kill my selfishness? can i please learn to love like i was a child? can i please learn to live in light of the miraculous event on calvary? can i please learn to gaze upon the Christ will constant wonder and worship? can i please have the discipline to live in the light of Jesus and not my circumstances?

movies

I really like movies. I can quote or reference a movie fvor almost any circumstance (kinda like tony denozo from NCIS). Anyway, since i've started working full time, i havent had the energy or desire to watch movies, (i know, kinda scary).

So, for the first time in months, i spent this weekend watching movies. 4 to be exact.

Movie#1: harry potter 7.1. Um, dude. Legit.

Movie #2: while you were sleeping. Classic. Sandra and bill at their best.

Movie #3: robin hood. The one with russell crowe? People kinda hated on it, but it was good! Loved the female character! Way to stay strong, Marian!

Movie#4: a christmas carol. The new disney animated one. I have nothing to say just yet cause i havent finished it.


I admit movie watching in this extreme isnt good. this weekend alone i spent about 8 intential hrs on something not eternal.

And that needs to change.

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verbal communcation

i'm horrible at it.

let's be honest, most of my conversations involve clarifying questions from the reciprocating party. i've taken at least 2 communication classes, but for some reason, i cannot master the art of proper verbal communication. i rarely seem to be able to say what i'm really trying to communicate. i kinda feel like meg ryan in you've got mail when she can't find the words to tell off tom hanks. (were you thinking that too, kimber?)

so i've decided that i perfer written communication. i'd make a good expressive aphasic. i'd rather read a book than watch tv. i'd rather write a letter or email than talk on the phone. i mean, if you call me, i'll enjoy it; i just won't be able to fully communicate what i want to say. 

yea, i'm strange. i admit it.

job update

so most of you know, but i think it's best to tie up this loose end.

on wednesday, i found out that i will be moving to tcu/tele on monday, (yep, in 2 days). the tele unit is for heart monitoring and is more acute than the typical med-surg unit because all the patients are on heart monitors. tcu is an icu step-down unit, so we get people after they've had open heart surgeries, unstable angina, etc. basically, it's WAY more acute than the kind of nursing i've been doing the past few months.

i have a lot of mixed feelings. i am freakin' excited! i mean, i was hoping to transfer here eventually anyway. the Lord is gracious and decided to put me there now. and that's the part that makes me nervous. i haven't had to interpret heart rhythms or give iv meds or give high-risk medications in almost a year. i honestly don't remember much. but i have prayed often in the past few months that the Lord wouldn't allow me to be comfortable, and He has been faithful to answer that prayer. 

so i enter the next few months with thankfulness and humility, learning once again what it is to rely on the Lord's strength.

goodbyes

Not really a fan. I mean, you only say goodbyes to people who have formed some sort of a relationship with, so they are all painful, just to different degrees.

Today, i say goodbye to the staff that i have gotten so close to. I say goodbye to the patients i had finally begun to learn about. I say goodbye to familiarity and move back to discomfort, which im pretty sure is a place God wants me to be more, and a place i pray to be.

So while i am sad to leave my family at the CLC, i am excited that God has worked this out so wonderfully. He provided me a job in an encouraging learning environment, yet He knew i needed more skills, so at the right moment, He is providing the oportunity for more skills....and discomfort in which i must trust Him. Glory be to the Father!!

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new plans

welp.

yea.

today i found out that i won't be staying on the same unit that i've been training on for the last three months. wednesday will be my last day with my preceptor, my fellow lisenced and unlicensed staff, and my patients. i was in shock when i found out. i felt almost betrayed. but i know it was not because they didn't like me (or the other new grads, for that matter); it was a mere budgetary issues. 

so what does this mean? 

i'm not entirely sure. i do know that i won't be hit on multiple times a day, (there goes my self-esteem!), or give out more laxatives than blood pressure medication. and it seems like i will still have a full time job. the issue is simply where. the choices as far as i know: med/surg (with an ortho focus) or tcu/telemetry. the latter is the unit i hoped to transfer to at the end of my year at the clc. the opportunity would be amazing! 

the truth is, though, i'm scared. my assessment skills feel like they've declined. i haven't inserted an iv successfully in almost 2 months. i haven't hung iv meds in even longer.

the beauty of this situation:

i have no control.

in any of it.

God has been changing my plans and restructuring my thinking over the past 6-7months in ways i never imagined. it seems like every time i made these great plans, the Lord would surprise me with different ones. in all honesty, i've been frustrated and angry because of it all too often. but in this instance, i see that the Lord's plans are far better than mine! He knew how good this training position would be for me and how i need to move on now. i pray that i may recall His goodness in this situation and remember His goodness amongst other "foiled" plans. 

so, on monday, 11/22, i will experience the strength of the Lord in my weakness, once again. and, in the eight days that proceed it, His power will be made perfect in my complete weakness. in my tiredness, frustration, and feebleness, i declare glory to Him who alone is worthy!

deleted.

i had a friend write a blog once in which she basically said, "i typed a bunch of stuff and then deleted it. i feel better now."

i just did the same thing.

i don't think i feel much better.

veteran's day

yep, that's today. and, as i tweeted earlier, it's my day everyday. even on days off, my dad is a vet and things seem to revolve around that more than i thought.

so i work at a veteran's hospital. i'm learning a lot about what's important to vets and their beliefs. but everyday, i end up more confused and have tons more to learn! but through my short three months working with these guys, (and occasional gal), i've wrestled with what i believe as a follower of Christ and as an american.

i am a firm believer that i am an american Christian. my loyalty to Christ alone; my home and hope are found in Him alone. so where does this leave me when i am to celebrate those who have risked their lives for what america stands for? 

i don't dislike those people or hold a grudge against them in any way. in all honesty, my heart breaks for most of the men i work with. their hope is in government, politics, the connections to the military, but that will all end. government and military are not eternal. Christ alone is eternal. 

this isn't all i wanted to say, but i'm not sure how to put the rest into words. please forgive this blog if it is incoherent or confusing. welcome to my brain.

waiting

my dear friend sent this too me a few weeks ago. it was here "theme" song for almost 2 years. it's my turn to adopt it. 

p.s.-the video isn't great, but enjoy the words.

the desert

i know, this blog title isn't new. i used to think riverside was my desert, that life was dry and i longed to be able to serve Jesus in a more real way. "if only i could be in the work place," i would plea.

i had no idea how good i had it!

i was constantly surrounded by friends, like-minded believers, and wiser people than me that pushed me to look at the world and Jesus differently.

now, i see my friends a couple of times a week, i spend 1.5hrs a day in a car, and am surrounded by no one at work who is like-minded.

this is a desert.

and it seems that i have another 40 years to go.

don't misunderstand me. i love the serious, ridiculous, and edifying times with my church family. i love being able to worship while driving in a beautiful part of california. i love being challenged to live sacrificially in my workplace and be Jesus to people.

but this is an interim time. 

i long to be overseas, (my earthly promise land, if you will). learning language, eating food that makes me pee out my butt, using squatty potties, relying on the Spirit in ways that i can't even imagine, having spiritual conversations without awkwardness......the list goes on.

but i'm not there yet. 

it feels like i'm waiting just outside, eager to enter the land of promise.

God's timing is perfect. i know that. God never fails; i know that, too. but to live that out in mundane of life is butt-hard! 

here i wait.

here i listen to the Spirit.

here i learn.

here i worship.

nurses are...

after being surrounded by nurses most of my life, but in a more concentrated setting the last three months, i think it's time to share some of my observations

 

• nurses have are obsessive compulsive. we have to have things our way, but no two nurses do things the same way. famous line for nurses, "well, that's not how I do it." yea, i know. 
• nurses are also borderline. how you might ask? well, have you been in a nurse's break room? everyone is all smiles when the manager or charge nurse is in there, but as soon as they leave, the griping begins. lovely.
• so many nurses are single or divorced. what's the deal with that?  
• nurses must be a.d.d. not only are there routine, daily tasks, but a nurse must conquer the random, out of the blue happenings that occur everyday. between falls, admissions and discharges, new orders, patients leaving for hours when they are supposed to be getting a dressing change, and the occasional argument with the physician, life as a nurse really is a box of chocolates.
• people share major life events with nurses. birth, birthdays, terminal diagnoses, death. this is an honor that nurses, including myself, all too often forget.
• nurses can be real, well, um, bitches. i mean, have you seen two nurses from different units get together? it's like the sharks and jets reunion or something.
• nurses function in the conflict styles of accommodator/confronter. we accommodate our patients to the best of our ability, but get in our way or mess with our patients, we will get all hyphie on ya.
• nurses deal with incredible emotional stress. one minute, you see a patient getting better and getting ready to be discharged. on your next shift, you find out that they've been admitted to the i.c.u. with a g.i. bleed and it's only "a matter of time" before they pass. (no wonder so many in my profession are alcoholics)
• a majority of the nurses i've encounter call themselves christians. their actions all too often don't reflect it.

i know these observations aren't true of all nurses, but it's what i've seen in myself and others.  the last one is the scariest to me. i hope that people see Christ in my life, and that i will be able to share Him with my fellow odd-ball professionals.

rainy season

i'm not used to the rain anymore. after living in riverside, aka a desert, for 5 years, i'm unaccustomed to cold weather, especially rain.

i really do love the rain, but i don't find myself being able to truly enjoy it since i've started working. 

today, i took the opportunity to enjoy it. no, i didn't sit or run around in the rain all afternoon, (although i might still do that...). rather, i got snuggled up in sweats, a hoodie, and blankets, lit some candles, and drank some vanilla ruiboos tea. to top it off, i spent some good time with my Father. i really can't think of a better day to spend a rainy sabbath. thank You, Jesus, for allowing that to happen!

follower of Jesus

this is how i try to identify myself when someone asks me what i believe. i get a lot of eyebrow raises and confused faces, especially in san fran, but it's good.

about a year ago, i got it in my head that i needed to memorize the sermon on the mount. i mean, it's a concentrated group of teachings of the One i claim to follow. it seems logical that i should know what He teaches if i am going to follow Him. (disclaimer: i by no means think anyone needs to memorize this portion of scripture to gain salvation or a better standing with God. it was just something it seemed that the Spirit was pressing on my heart). 

so, about a week ago, (guilty face and clearing of my throat), i actually started memorizing these chapters. well, i'm only through verse 12(ish) of chapter 5, but God is already using it!

i was working on memorizing it at work and had at least 3 spiritual conversations! Praise HIM! when i get discouraged or when it seems like my co-workers keep me out of conversations because they know i follow Him, i am comforted of the eternality of Christ.

the verse that has been on my heart and mind the most is matthew 5:6-Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

 

 

satisfied:  content; paid or discharged in full, as a debt or obligation.

 

 

i don't search a prideful, self-centered righteousness. i can do that any day. but i long to thirst and hunger for righteousness that comes from God (philippians 3:9), for only in the righteousness of Christ will i be satisfied; He paid my debt, He alone makes me clean, He alone can satisfy (or make content) my all-too-often parched soul.

i challenge you to memorize scripture. you are "forced" to repeat and dwell on holy words that alone satisfy.

the radical experiment-part 2

so basically, i've sucked at this.

1. pray for the entire world

i've sucked at praying for the nations daily.

2. read through the entire scripture

 

i've been reading through the Bible chronologically.

 

 

 

 

3. sacrfice your money for a specific purpose

 

sacrifice? can you define that please?

 

4. spend your time in another context

 

i've been making plans to go overseas in august/september.

 

5. commit your life to multiplying community

 

i go to chipotle sunday and Bible study. can i multiple those that eat chipotle? 

so this hasn't been going so well. i never realized how much intentionality it would take to stay committed to these things. but i hope that i will have a partner in this experiment (and that we can consistently get together to do these things) and that we will be able to provide accountability.

post-october thoughts

i wrote this blog before the month of october started. now time for the post-test.

i spent 4/5 weekends of this month out of town. i was gonna call it "three weddings and a funeral," but it's too soon. instead, "three weddings and a work day" will have to remain as the title. 

• i successfully attend three of my good friends' weddings. the first, in bakersfield. i got to use my federal employement for a sick discount at a hotel, got to catch up with some great nursing friends, and spend some much needed time with Jesus during my 8 hours in the car. 
• the next weekend, i headed to riverside and was in one of my best friend's wedding. it was a honor to stand with this woman as she committed to serve and honor one of my dear brothers! that weekend was a bit of a fiasco between rental cars, hotel reservations, trying to hang out with other friends, and my mind in ten other places. but the Lord showed His strength and faithfulness every step of the way!
• the next weekend i attended another wedding in riverside. that weekend got off to a bit of a stressful start, but i was able to spend a night catching up with a dear friend in fres-yes (member of the PTC) and then saying farewell to another friend who will be serving overseas for more time than i care to admit. (i'm in denial-jealously).
• the following weekend, i took a mini-road trip with a long-time friend to sacramento. we went to serve with some friends at a work day/beautification project in del paso heights. it was a blessing and joy to do physical labor for the Lord again! hope, we are SO going next year! it was also such a blessing to play nertz until 2am and laugh a whole lot with good friends!
• that sunday, ang and i drove back to san mateo and i was able to attend my first am service with hope church of san mateo. i really have no words to describe how amazing that service was, except that it felt right.
•   the fifth weekend of october i spent at work. yep, that's about all on that weekend.

the month was truly an emotional rollercoaster. i cried more in this month than i have the entire year combined, (and probably the last 2 years combined if i really think about it), but i laughed and celebrated more than the year combined as well.

lessons confronted with: trust God, for He alone is faithful.  i don't know if i've wholeheartedly learned this, (and probably never will), but i am glad that the Lord hasn't given up reminding me of Him. i pray He never does.

october, you were good times, but i'm ready to move on. until next year....

blog attack

It's comin.

Wait for it....

....Wait for it..........

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lack of internet

I know. I have this fancy new phone with the internet, but it is not condusive to affective blogging. My thoughts go faster than my two thumbs can text. this, and my lack of internet at home contribute to my lack of blogging.

And i have a lot to blog.


But, in short, I'm wholistically exhausted. Yes, sometimes even spiritual tired. it seems the more i pray to be consumed with God alone, the more temptations "appear" to be consumed with things not of Him.

I heard a prof say once that life only gets busier as you get older. I found that hard to believe as a college student. Life could NEVER get busier than nursing school! How naive i was! Life is busy, but it is sweet. I am blessed with amazing friends and fun, as well as challenging, times with them. Despite the challenges and the business, i wouldnt trade these sweet times for much.

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update?

it's not a very good update, but here's what's been goin on:

• was at one of my best friend's wedding this weekend. it was an amazingly beautiful and an amazingly hard weekend. 
• i discovered i have issues when someone tells me to be serious. i just start laughing. sorry, jennifer and johnny, if i ruined your "serious face" wedding photos.
• i have control issues. i tried to and eventually rented a car this weekend. i broke down twice because things ended up outside of my control. God, thank you for breaking me down and i pray You would continue to do so!
• i don't have to say goodbye to a dear friend until this saturday. PTL because i had no emotional drop left in my body for her farewell this weekend!
• i have had a four-day weekend! praise God for colombus day because i needed it!
• i love chipotle. (love is not an understatement)
• just found out i don't have to start paying my loans back until december 1. HOLLER!
• don't buy shoes online. bad things happen to your feet.
• hope church "launched." i have a lot of mixed feelings about it, but even at church in riverside, God confirmed that what we are doing is for Him and that He is working through us to magnify His name! to You alone be the glory, our Perfect God!
• i have to vote in about a month and i have no idea who to vote for!
• i get delusional when i have cried for 2 hours and have had little sleep over the previous week.
• my friends are amazing! i couldn't have asked for better friends and praise God for them daily!

this is it, for now. october is a little less than half way finished, and i still have one more wedding and a work day to conquer.Thank God that His power is made perfect in my weakness!

cry for today

Psalm 63

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
    my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
   as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
   beholding your power and glory.

Because your steadfast love is better than life,
   my lips will praise you.

So I will bless you as long as I live;
   in your name I will lift up my hands.

 My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
   and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
when I remember you upon my bed,
   and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
for you have been my help,
   and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.

My soul clings to you;
   your right hand upholds me.

 But those who seek to destroy my life
    shall go down into the depths of the earth;
they shall be given over to the power of the sword;
   they shall be a portion for jackals.

But the king shall rejoice in God;
   all who swear by him shall exult,
    for the mouths of liars will be stopped.

oswald

My utmost for his highest has been rockin my world especially these past few days. Its been about "calling." I encourage you to read them. If you dont have the book, just search the forementioned title. It's worth your time.

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October Pre-Thoughts

ya know, it's kinda like a pre-test. only there's no test, really. the month of october is gonnna busy. i have three weddings to go to in the southern part of the state, i'm going to a work/outreach day in sacramento, i will start functioning essentially independently at work, and hope will "launch." (please believe, there's lots to be done on this front). so i wanted to give a few pre-thoughts. i will re-assess october once it's already happened.

while excitement and joy surround this month, i enter it with some apprehension.

after being out of town for a mere two weekends in a row, i was real tired at work and it was hard to engage there. i'm nervous i'll make a serious med error or get fired or something. oh well, ke garne? 

i'm also nervous because of all of the weddings. don't get me wrong, i'm so excited for my friends who are tying the knot, but i just get weird when during "wedding season." in all honesty, i loose focus on Christ and i begin to wonder what it would be to be married. (kimber, i hear you now, "marriage isn't unbiblical! and to think about it isn't, either!" yes, i know, but it's the distraction that i can't stand). i loathe being single during those times and time praying is spent praying for me and my "needs" instead of those who really need it. so as i was reading irresistabl revolution, shane reminded me of something simple. Jesus was single. dude, all of my praying to be "more like Jesus" i guess is paying off. so i pray and earnestly hope, that i would remember this and would rejoice!

it also seems like i'm spending so much money. and as the end of october approaches, so does the end of the grace period for loans. money is something i suck at, but i'm looking forward to what it is to learn to be a good, faithful, and giving steward.

that's all for now. looking forward to the post-october thoughts.

shane rocks my world!

ok, really its Jesus but this section of irresitible revolution reonates me with INTENSLY!

"in my suburban comfort, i increasingly felt disturbed by God. i became very uncomfortable with the suburbs. the beautiful thing was my discomfort arose not from a cynical judgmentalism but from a longing for something more. i did not want to settle for comfort. i did not want to settle for a life detached from the groanings of the slums or the beauty of playing in open firehydrants and having block parties in the inner city...the more i read the Bible, the more i felt my comfortable life interrupted."

p. 107

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embrace the inner feel-er

this is a shout-out to my thinker friend. we are the two thinkers of our group of friends and we pride ourselves on our ability to rationalize and reason through circustances and situations.

well, you know what they say about pride....

i've blogged about this topic a lot this summer, but it is so foreign to me, that i don't know what else to do. but i'm embracing the feeling part of me-i think.  today on my way to work, i was singing along to Jesus paid it all. i paused for a minute and then my heart overflowed with love and worship for this mighty Savior. do we really get this? Jesus- God-incarnate-became like us-sinful, wicked, disgusting people-to bare God's wrath for my sins that i might be reunited with God; that many would be reunited with God; that we may spend everything in worship to the One who is worthy. i couldn't help but cry with utter indescribablity!

when faced with the reality of who i am before this Beautiful, Mighty God, how can i not have an emotional response? and then, when i think about how much this God loves His creation and His glory that He redeemed us, how can i not weep?

so i am embracing my inner feel-er. kimber, i think you should too

update....

kinda. i have 5 minutes before i have to leave for work. the people i process things with are asleep or already doing stuff.

a lot has happened since september 8th, my last blog post. i got a new phone, i have been to redding and riverside, i've begun seriously praying about being an or nurse, and God has continued to challenge me in ways that i can't even understand most days.

i started reading irresistible revolution by shane claiborne. my friends cautioned me about reading it, but i don't really see why. yes, he doesn't outright say he shares the gospel with the people he encounters, but in the early chapters he talks about the transformaitonal power of the gospel, so why wouldn't he share it? anyway, after the chapter about india, i almost hopped of my current flight and bought a ticket to india. then God reminded me of my finicial and other responsibilities here. in all honesty, my thought ways, "damn! i just want to go!!!!"

then shane said that mother teresa said, "find your calcutta." kinda cheese-ball, but for sure true. where are people suffering around me? everywhere. why have i not been engaging them? because you have gotten to comfortable. then why don't i just move to the streets and love people as Christ did? because you are afraid.

i hate that i live my life in fear. the Spirit of God lives in me! what do i have to fear?

so a friend challanged me last night. why do i feel i must live in san mateo? God has given me a job in a very lost city. why am i not engaging the people i see everyday? this is my struggle. i'm praying through a lot of aspects and rammifications of this notion. would you pray with me? would you pray that the distractions of this world and my own heart wouldn't blind me from where God would have me engage a lost and hurting world?

more blogs to come. but first, 8 hours with men who hit on me. word.